Bleached Ink
by copycat-capycot
Summary: Collection of one-shots focused mainly on Yullen. Re-upload from 2009-2011.
1. Friends

**Title:** Friends

 **Rating:** K+

 **Genre:** Friendship/Hurt/Comfort

 **Summary:** Friends are important, Allen realizes, when it comes to keeping him sane.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own D. Gray Man, so don't sue me.

 **Notes:** Decided to format all of my previous chapters.

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 _many people will walk in and out of your life_

 _but only a few will leave behind footprints_

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Allen's word is black and white, with many gray tones in between.

He acts normally enough, smiling at Lenalee, paying sharp attention to Komui, joking around with Lavi, calling Kanda Bakanda, and more. His appetite is as healthy as heavy, his black side properly restrained until the mention of debts or Cross passes his ears. His arm is fine, Crown Clown being used more often than not. His stormy gray eyes that glinted silver with strong emotion betrayed nothing that showed something was off.

But the moment his left eye—his curse, his gift, his burden, his link to monsters—changes and turns into an unholy red, all he can see are black and white images. Black and white Akuma, their mouths open in a soundless scream, wild eyes wide with inner pain and suffering. To the other Exorcists, they are ugly creatures, minions of the Millennium Earl. They are a danger to society and need to be eradicated.

All Allen sees are enslaved souls, begging for freedom.

It breaks him to see the souls of the dead trapped in the bodies of Akuma, of human-eating machines. Whose fault is it really? The Earl's? The ones who summon their dead loved ones? Allen doesn't know. But he knows that he has to do something. He has to.

 _Mana..._

For a while, after Mana's death, he continuously blamed himself for what had happened. Mana had been the only one to accept him, red wrinkled arm and all. Mana had been a father, a friend a warm body to hug. Mana had been the only thing Allen was living for. Mana had been his world.

And so when Mana died, Allen turned to a strange plump being with a long face, pointy ears, and a smile that promised no good.

" _You want me to revive Mana Walker?"_

Then Mana's soul had lashed out at him. Mana had cursed him. Mana had shattered his heart as well as well as his left eye, and Allen hadn't been sure what had hurt more.

 _Innocence..._

The memories after had been fuzzy. More than a few nights have Allen resting his head on his pillow, trying to remember the details. He would clench and unclench his left hand, staring at the cross on the back, staring at the blackened nails and the marred red skin. Trying to remember back to the time when his Innocence first came to be.

" _Mana...?! No, don't do this to Mana...! Run...run, Dad!"_

And Allen would remember that that had been the first time he had ever called Mana his father aloud. He had been too hesitant, too shy to label Mana as Father. But somehow, deep down inside, as the strange white claw-like appendage that was his left hand reached for Mana, he knew he had to say it.

" _Allen...I...love you..."_

Before Mana died.

" _Please destroy me."_

Allen loves the Akuma because he sees Mana in them. If Mana had been one of them... He wants to let them pass on peacefully. He wants to walk this path because of Mana.

But along the harsh road, other people found their way into his heart. Kanda, Lenalee, Lavi, everyone in the Order...

Soon, Allen's world isn't just black and white, with only gray in between. There is Kanda's dark hair that shines indigo and violet depending on the light. There is Lavi's bright emerald eye that takes everything in with keen intelligence. There is Lenalee's warm smile that reminded him of the sun.

 _Everyone..._

 _...thank you._

"Hey, Mana...? I love you. I'll always love you. But—right now, there are other people I love too. Other people I want to protect. Is that—okay?"

 _Yes._

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	2. Gentle

**Title:** Gentle

 **Genre:** General/Romance

 **Rating:** K+

 **Summary:** Allen ponders on the true meaning of gentleness and its relation to Kanda.

 **Disclaimer:** I'm dirt-poor and I don't speak Japanese. Good enough for you?

 **Notes:** Yeah. Moving on.

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 _another side of you_

 _will you let me see it?_

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Kanda, Allen decides, is a lot of things, but the long-haired Japanese man certainly isn't gentle.

The swordsman just doesn't fit into the category gentle. He is cold, rude, brusque, easily irritated, rough, indifferent, all of that and more. But not gentle.

For one, Kanda has rough hands. Years of using Mugen has given Kanda permanent callouses, hence giving him rough hands. They aren't anything like Lenalee's which are soft and tender as she has only real use for her legs in fighting Akuma. Even Lavi's hands are considerably more pliant than Kanda's. But Allen loves to hold Kanda's hand anyway because he feels a little thrill inside of him every single time Kanda grudgingly links their hands together. Most of all, he loves how Kanda never gives his own deformed hand a second glance.

Kanda's hair is rather coarse as well. Granted, since Allen became his significant other, Kanda finally started to use shampoo instead of regular hand soap, but only because his Moyashi demands him to. More often than not, Kanda would tease Allen in his mocking manner for having a hair fetish. Allen doesn't bother telling Kanda it is true that he enjoys running his fingers through the long strands, and he enjoys doing so even more after Kanda's hair starts to soften and gain a silky texture.

Oh, but of course Kanda's mouth is anything but gentle. If Kanda doesn't swear at least a few hundred times a day, Allen would have been very concerned indeed. Death threats come pouring from Kanda like a storm But still, Allen loves it because it wouldn't be Kanda otherwise.

When Kanda kisses him, the older man would overpower him, dominated him, ravage him until Allen is breathless. None of the chaste, hesitant foreplay—no, no, none of that gentle, wishy-washy kissing.

When Kanda makes love to him—because they do love each other, even if Kanda is too proud to say it aloud—he would hold nothing back, forcing Allen to gasp out, "Kanda, Kanda, Kan— _Yuu!_ "

But Allen loves it anyway. Because Kanda would freeze and whisper, "Allen", right before he comes. He would say in almost affectionate tones, "Allen", again and again until he is spent and collapses.

Kanda is not gentle. But Allen wouldn't have it any other way.

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	3. Yaoi

**Title:** Yaoi

 **Genre:** Friendship/Humor

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Lenalee and Lavi explain to Kanda the meaning of Yullen.

 **Disclaimer:** Bah. The only thing I own is this plot.

 **Notes:** Nothing defined here. Kanda doesn't even like Allen in this AU...probably.

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 _who's hungry for some_

 _bean sprout action?_

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" _Yullen?!"_

Lenalee couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes at Kanda's half snarl, half incredulous gasp. So she didn't even bother hiding her exasperation.

"Yeah, Kanda. Yullen. You know, it's a combination of your name and Allen's name. Yuu. Allen. YuuAllen. Yullen."

"I know what it is," Kanda hissed, "but where the hell did you get the idea that I'm with Moyashi?"

Again, Lenalee rolled her eyes and picked up a magazine resting innocently on the table. "You know, despite being a top high school student, Kanda, you're not really smart." She tapped her fingers impatiently against the magazine cover and began flicking through it.

Kanda frowned when he saw the familiar light blue magazine title which he had spotted many times while waiting in the checkout line at Safeway.

"A _People_ magazine? You read that kind of shit?"

Lenalee smirked slightly. "It's shit, but it's interesting shit."

(She decided not to dwell on how contradictory her statement was.)

The long-haired Japanese was damn near to drawing Mugen (a real sword passed down in his family which he carried everywhere; Lavi swore that Kanda was a wannabe samurai) and inflicting some sort of bodily harm upon Lenalee, but he knew he couldn't. Lenalee's nutcase of a brother, Komui Lee, was principal of D. Gray Academy and would be on him faster than Allen could eat. And besides, Kanda wasn't one for harming women anyway. So he stilled his twitching fingers and said quite calmly, Yullen and all of that fucking name blending is crap."

"Au contraire, mon ami," Lavi chipped in. Kanda blanched. Where had the redhead come from?

Lavi grabbed the magazine Lenalee had been holding and all but shoved it under Kanda's nose.

"See here, Yuu-chan—"

" _Don't_ call me Yuu."

Lavi felt cold sweat as Mugen came sailing an inch away from between his eyes. Laughing uneasily, the one-eyed student moved Kanda's beloved family heirloom away from him with the tip of his finger. Seriously, why did Komui let Kanda carry around a _sword_?

He continued hastily, "Moving on, here's Brangelina."

" _Brangelina?!"_

"Brangelina," Lavi said, nodding his head sagely. He pointed at the displayed photo featuring the couple. "Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, also known as Brangelina. One of the media's favorite couples to scandalize and stalk and make rumors about."

"...What does this have to do with Moyashi?"

"You, Kanda Yuu," Lenalee broke in, "are obviously, painfully, hopelessly, and rather stupidly in love with Allen Walker."

She paused, then added almost as an afterthought, answering Kanda's last question, "So name blending isn't crap at all."

"...the hell?"

"I mean," the Chinese girl plowed on, "you're always fighting with him—"

"Because I _hate_ that damn Moyashi."

"—you've given him a nickname—"

"Because he's not worth being called by his name."

"—and you always get pretty pissed whenever Rhode hugs or kisses him—"

"Wait, did she do that recently? I'll kill her!"

"Case in point," Lenalee whispered to Lavi.

"So!" Lavi broke into the deeply passionate debate and smiled, his good eye curved up in a "U" shape. "Go and get some Yullen action!"

"What's Yullen?"

The three stopped and turned very slowly around. Kanda's face was one of horror; Lavi looked uncertain whether to look amused or mildly frightened; Lenalee's face was a picture of pure glee.

Allen blinked at the variety of expressions that greeted him. "What's Yullen?" the white-haired boy asked again, looking puzzled.

Lavi opened his mouth, but a sudden movement from Kanda's hand, which had been drifting dangerously near the hilt of Mugen, silenced him.

"You stupid _usagi_..."

A dark aura surrounded Kanda. Suddenly, Lavi had the urge to run into the library and finish that tempting thick text on the top shelf, third from the left of the last bookshelves.

As Kanda chased the evasive rabbit, Lenalee turned to Allen, all smiles and big puppy eyes.

"Well, Allen, Yullen is..."

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	4. Poker

**Title:** Poker

 **Genre:** Romance/Humor

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Most people know better than to play poker with Allen.

 **Disclaimer:** Maybe it'll happen after I win the lottery, but for now, I don't own.

 **Notes:** Blahblahblah. Whatever. Don't pretend that you're not here just for the implied sex.

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 _hate the game_

 _not the player_

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"Four of a kind."

Kanda jerked in his seat. Lavi gave a nervous chuckle. Lenalee just blinked from her comfortable perch on the bed and opened a box of chocolate Pocky (there had been no strawberry left). Taking out a stick, she munched on it for a few seconds before saying, quite bluntly:

"Allen, it won't kill you to lose just once."

Allen, who had gone back to shuffling the (rigged) deck of cards, simply shrugged, not even bothering to hide the growing smirk on his face. There was no such mundane action as "holding back" for Allen; his past years as Cross' disciple and scapegoat had done enough damage, and it was taking all of his self-control not to wipe the floor with his fellow Exorcists, seeing that they were all mere amateurs compared to his vast experience.

"Remind me again," Kanda breathed out harshly, looking down at the cards with a revolted expression on his face, "why I decided to play this _stupid, fucking game_ with you morons."

"Me," Lenalee said calmly, snapping a Pocky stick in half.

"...Right," Kanda exhaled. Lenalee was probably the only person he couldn't threaten, although it was due more to her insane brother than her persuasive powers.

"Besides, Kanda, you need to loosen up," Lenalee was saying. "Strip poker's a great outlet, you know."

"But why did you have to drag me into this, Lenalee?" Lavi said, looking sadly at his poor hand.

Already Kanda was down to his pants. All of his other clothes (including but not limited to his Exorcist's coat, white jacket, black tank, hair band, shoes, socks, and regretfully, Mugen) were neatly piled up against the wall.

Lavi wasn't in good shap either. He only had a thin undershirt, his eye patch, and his boxers left to preserve the remains of his dignity.

"Lenalee," Lavi said again, "I don't think Komui's going to be happy if he sees you with us in our..." He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"No worries," Lenalee waved a Pocky stick at him before biting down on it, "I've seen better."

The redhead spluttered.

As Lavi and Lenalee engaged in a staring contest of sorts, Allen set down the cards and let his eyes rove over Kanda's form. Although he and Kanda had been together for a month now, he still wasn't quite used to seeing his boyfriend naked, never mind _half-naked._ And again and again, Allen was reminded of how utterly **sexy** Kanda could be. His long dark hair caressed his shoulders every time he moved, emphasizing the well-toned chest and... Silver eyes dropped below.

Kanda was also pretty _big._

Noticing Allen's eyes glued to the area surrounding his crotch, Kanda returned his gaze.

Blushing furiously at having been caught staring, Allen hastily dealt the cards, hiding his face behind them, and said, "F-full house!" He tossed down the cards.

Lavi, for one unmanly moment, felt rather like whimpering in despair, but he was silenced when Lenalee gave him a glare. Meekly taking off his undershirt, the redhead resigned himself.

Allen's eyes returned to Kanda expectantly.

Not even bothering to see his own cards (bah, Allen wasn't even merciful enough to give him one pair), Kanda complied and stood up. He unfastened his belt, slid it out and dropped it to the ground. Allen watched, fascinated, but seemed rather disappointed when Kanda sat down again without making a move to take off his pants.

"Moyashi," Kanda said abruptly, "stop staring at me like that."

Lavi and Lenalee blinked.

"I wasn't _staring_ ," Allen yelped.

"Che."

"Stop making bedroom eyes at each other," Lenalee sighed. "If you really can't control your libido, then just get it on."

Rising up to Lenalee's challenge, Allen tugged Kanda's head towards his and promptly crashed their lips together. That broke whatever had been holding Kanda back, and he pulled his Moyashi against him, deepening the kiss as he dominated. Allen looped his hands into Kanda's hair, running his fingers through the soft strands and moaning softly. Kanda nibbled Allen's bottom lip, sucking on it gently, before moving back up to place a chaste kiss on the albino's reddened lips. Moving down Allen's neck, Kanda was about to bite Allen and leave a mark when he remembered there was an audience.

Lenalee had been staring intently, a slightly red flush covering her cheeks and a blatant "I SECRETLY READ SHOUNEN-AI DOUJINSHI" expression on her face. Lavi, on the other hand, had turned his head the other way so that his good eye wouldn't burn from seeing his two friends go at it.

Without further ado, Kanda drew back and began to drag the young Brit out the door of Allen's room. Allen seemed to come back from whatever paradise he had been stuck in and tried to release himself, but it was all in vain.

"...Hey, you two," Lavi called dazedly, "where are you going?"

"To my room!" Kanda snapped back. "And don't come in either, fucking idiot!"

The door slammed shut.

The green-eyed Exorcist stared blankly at the door. He knew about their relationship, of course, but that was the first time Kanda had touched Allen so openly without animosity. _'Yuu-chan's growing up,'_ he thought tearfully with the manner of a father watching his son ride a bike without training wheels. _'You see, Yuu-chan? Love makes the world go round!'_

"Man," Lenalee commented, "I wonder how badly Allen will be limping tomorrow."

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	5. Bittersweet

**Title:** Bittersweet

 **Genre:** Romance/Drama

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Lenalee thinks about the finer details of Kanda and Allen's relationship and finds herself inadequate in comparison.

 **Disclaimer:** I'm seriously bored from repeating, "I own nothing."

 **Notes:** Yeah, well, upcoming one-sided Lenalee/Allen.

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 _when the first love ends_

 _you don't know how you'll ever get over it_

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There is a crushing sort of perfection that Kanda possesses.

(It is the sort of perfection that is fake, yet real enough to make her feel as if she is a mere doll compared to his beauty.)

Lenalee licks the lip gloss away from her lips—strawberries and cream—and wonders why she even bothers. It's not like anyone will ever kiss her, especially with Komui hanging around, but yet she puts it anyway as if it is some sort of daily routine, simply another action such as brushing her teeth. That is a half-lie: She does try to put on her lip gloss, but only if she learns that she is going on a mission along with Allen. It's hopelessly pointless and yet she can't help but stare with envy at Kanda's lips—no lip gloss, of course—that are a surprisingly soft shade of pink, a color she will never attain even with even with all the lip gloss in the world. She thinks of the soft pink shade and wonders if that is why Allen loves kissing Kanda.

After all, she is the one who accidentally walks into Kanda's room only to see them kissing and _anyone but Allen, anyone but—no, no, this can't be._

She runs her hand through her hair and wonders why she bothers with that as well. Her hair isn't as long as before and doesn't need as much maintenance, but still she gently shampoos it everyday and brushes it to a shine in the morning. It's not like anyone will run their fingers through the dark strands, except for Komui who will only muss it up by patting her head. And yet she can't help but glance longingly at Kanda's long dark hair ( _Beautiful,_ she thinks sadly, remembering when her own hair was the same). Even when tied up, Kanda's hair looks soft, silky, inviting. She wonders if Allen prefers long hair to short hair, but doesn't quite gather up the courage to ask.

But then, she is the one who always notices how Allen ejoys threading his fingers in Kanda's long ponytail. He only ever does so occasionally, when he thinks no one else is watching and Kanda relents by a subtle nod.

Accidentally bumping into Miranda as she passes her in the hall, Lenalee apologizes, exchanges a word or two of pleasantry, and moves on. She wonders why she tries to add extra sway to her hips as Allen walks by, seeing how he only ever smiles and greets her (like he does with everyone else) but never stops walking. She feels bitter seeing Kanda's effortless and wild grace as he strides down the halls of the Order, tall and proud and cold, commanding attention and yet managing to keep everyone at a certain distance away from him. He all but glides down the floor, bangs sweeping across his forehead in a carelessly beautiful way. She wishes she could have that kind of awe and respect sitting on her like a second skin and she wonders if Allen doesn't like clumsiness.

And she glances at them as they walk alone around the training grounds, thinking they are alone. Kanda is as graceful as ever, but his stride is slower and his gaze soft as Allen turns his face up towards him like a sunflower seeking the sun.

Even though she tries and tries with all her might to hate Kanda, to dislike him even a little, she can't do even that. In the end, he is the one who makes Allen smile the most. He is the one who makes Allen laugh, carefree and happy. He is the one who takes Allen's mind away from the Noah slowly taking over his body. He is the one who makes Allen happier than he could ever be.

And he is the one who comforts _her_ in her time of need, never knowing how his mere presence makes her breath faster and her eyes harder.

She wonders if Allen does not like girls or just happens to like Kanda, a stray thought as she tries to justify why Allen refuses to so much look at her when Kanda is there.

(She does not use the word "love" when she allows herself to dwell on her own feelings for the Destroyer of Time because it is such a big word and saying it would be sealing herself out of Allen's heart forever and ever, doomed to have an unrequited... And she has learned that forever can seem short when she is young, but now it is achingly long.)

She wonders if Allen has ever heard Kanda say "I love you" because one fault Kanda has is that he never always says what he really means.

She wonders if Allen says it all the time to Kanda.

She wonders if Allen hates having to save her the few times he did.

She wonders if Allen likes how Kanda can save himself all the time and still have the energy leftover to argue and fight and carry on with life.

Walking down the hallway, she pauses by Allen's door. She stares at it, thinking of a boy who is nearly a man with gentle silver eyes and a smile that always squeezed her chest painfully. She raises her hand in a fist, tentative and thinking, asking, _what do I have to say anyway? Why do I come here? What if he isn't here? What if he doesn't want to see me for some reason? What if—_

And all of a sudden, she lowers her arm because she knows, by some strange feminine intuition that lurks in the back of her head that mocks her, that Allen is not in his room. And her footsteps lead her away from the door of the boy-turning-into-a-man to Kanda's door.

She stares and she paces and she raises her arm and she lowers her arm and she walks away and she walks back.

And then one word tells her to turn away.

"Kanda..."

It is somewhere between a groan and a moan, and as more sounds echo faintly from inside Kanda's room, she waits for the dismal fact to register in her mind. _Allen in Kanda's room... Allen in Kanda's room... Allen in Kanda's room..._ And when ti does, she slumps against the wall and slowly sinks down. She buries her head in her arms and let the silent tears fall from where they gather in the corner of her eyes. She cries silently for one minute.

When the minute is over, she pulls herself together, wipes away the tear streaks, and walks away from Kanda's room _with Allen inside._

It's rather painful, her first taste of unrequited love.

 _Bittersweet._

A small tube falls out of her pocket. Bending down, she sees that it is her strawberries and cream lip gloss. She picks it up, looks at it for a moment. Then she uncaps it, smooths it over her lips, and lightly licks her bottom one. Sweet.

She wishes that it was only a little more bitter.

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	6. Pregnant

**Title:** Pregnant

 **Genre:** Romance/Humor

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Kanda and Lavi "discuss" male pregnancy.

 **Disclaimer:** D. Gray Man would turn into a shounen-ai manga if I had my way.

 **Notes:** I really need to expand into other genres, like Western or Sci-fi.

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 _if two ones make one twos_

 _can two twos make one ones?_

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Kanda deliberately put down his chopsticks with graceful, fluid motions that were perfectly in tune. The Japanese man leaned his cheek gently on the hand that was attached to his propped up arm. Then he turned to the Exorcist sitting next to him on the left, raised one dark elegant eyebrow, and said quite plainly:

"What the fuck."

Even the obscene word that came from his mouth appeared aristocratic and had the lilting tone that revealed the barest hint of a Japanese accent. Listening to the words wash over him and letting the tones and emotions flood his mind, Lavi thought surely that Kadna must have been some high born, noble, and most definitely foul-mouthed samurai or a young lord of some sort in his past life in ancient Edo, where—

The redhead snapped himself back from his distracting thoughts. Kanda's past incarnations could wait. There was a more pressing matter to attend to at the moment.

"Well, Yuu?"

" _Don't_ call me Yuu."

Lavi was starting to sigh by now. Mugen had come barely a millimeter away from his nose at least a few hundred times a day repeatedly for a good number months, so the general threatening atmosphere tended to wear away. He all but bemoaned Kanda's lack of creativity, but _c'est la vie_ , not all could hope to be as versatile and colorful as he.

"I'm just _saying_ , Yuu..." Lavi paused dramatically.

"Is it true that you made Allen pregnant?"

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There were several ways Kanda knew he could react. All of them contained murderous rage in various degrees and levels, and possibly cruel and unusual punishment. The only problem was choosing which tactic to use. Certainly castrating Lavi would be painful and humiliating, but the somewhat more lucid and lenient side of Kanda deterred from such an _inhumane_ act, and suggested gouging out Lavi's one good eye and feeding it to the ravens. Then again, it would be more fun to let the future Bookman to have a little head start, if only to make the thrill of the chase more exhilarating. Oh, decisions, decisions.

But Lenalee would have his head for doing anything like that to her boyfriend of two months, and having to reckon with Lenalee's warth was the same as having to deal with Komui in one of his less-than-sane moods. And after Kanda had experienced and seen firsthand how Komui had fixed his Innocence, he would rather not have to deal with the Supervisor if necessary.

Speaking of his Innocence, Mugen was still in repairs after the last mission. Damn.

The Japanese glanced at Lavi, who was grinning like the stupid idiot he was. _'Now he's just asking for it.'_ Lenalee and Komui could go to hell for all he cared: Lavi deserved every single secondo f torture he was going to endure.

Kanda threw caution into the winds and settled for reaching his chopsticks again.

Lavi, blissfully unaware of his incoming demise, was thinking back to the time he had walked into Kanda's room, intending on calling out Yuu for some reason or another.

Seeing Kanda and Allen doing the _nasty nasty_ hadn't been part of his agenda. Granted, he had been horrified to some extent, but more delighted than anything else. He had quickly turned his back to them as Allen restrained a very naked Kanda from murdering Lavi on the spot and had complained loudly, "Yuu, you could have told me _so_ much sooner. Instead, I had to find out like _this._ What's the point of being friends if you can't tell me you're gay with a certain _Moyashi_?" At that point, Allen had glared and let Kanda reach for Mugen.

So absorbed was Lavi in his thoughts that he didn't see the sharping and eerily glinting chopstick point headed for him.

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"Kanda, he was just joking around. You need to apologize."

"Never mind that a guy can't even get fucking pregnant," Kanda growled from his spot on the bed. "I'm not apologizing to that idiot."

"I wasn't talking about Lavi," Allen said, leaning back on the chair next to the bed. "I was talking about Lenalee. She wasn't really happy when you tried to stab Lavi with a chopstick. And why a chopstick, anyway?" You _ate_ stuff with that, Kanda."

"Che."

Allen paused in the middle of opening his mouth to make a sharp retort. Something was niggling in the back of his mind...

"Um, Kanda. It might had been my fault that Lavi asked you that."

" _Your_ fault?" Kanda twisted from his perch to stare at his lover incredulously.

"That's because Jeryy-san made a new omelet he wanted me to try out, and I guess I was eating more than usual because Lavi asked me if I was having a craving and if I was feeling okay, and I _had_ been feeling a bit sick, so then he asked if I had been throwing up in the mornings and—"

Without letting the cursed Exorcist finish his sentence, Kanda pulled on Allen's sleeve to drag him onto the bed. Cupping smooth cheeks, Kanda kissed him. Letting out a puff of breath, Allen pulled away slightly to lean his forehead against Kanda's. Silver eyes watched dark blue ones. Then Kanda kissed him again, working down the slender neck, nipping as he went.

And he went down...and down...

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Fingering the bandage on his head, Lavi sighed, downtrodden, as he padded through the hallway. Who knew that chopsticks were weapons of mass destruction? Or maybe it was just because Kanda could make anything into a weapon. The redhead shook as he remembered the sharp, pointy, and _dangerous_ eating utensil. Thanks to Kanda, he would forever be spooked by chopsticks.

Speaking of Kanda...

Lavi stopped by Allen's room, and looked intently at the door. Last time, the _incident_ had happened in Kanda's room. Did they do it in Allen's room too...?

Only one way to find out.

Pressing his ear to the door, the redhead suddenly jerked back as a very audible sound came out.

"Haa, haa... Kanda..."

"Gn..."

 _'...Oh my gawd.'_

Those two were going at it like _rabbits_. Lavi wasn't sure whether to grin like a madman or to cringe in repulsion. Sure, he was happy and glad and all of that jazz, but it was still disconcerting to hear two of your best friends getting it on behind closed doors. _'Well, you reap what you sow.'_

He absently wondered how Lenalee would react to this development.

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A few hours later, Allen decided to go to the cafeteria, intent on filling it stomach with Jeryy's good cooking. However, as he opened the door, he found a small rectangular box on the ground.

It was a pregnancy test.

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	7. Conversation 1

**Title:** Conversation (Part One)

 **Genre:** Romance/Drama

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Kanda, Allen, and a play with dialogue.

 **Disclaimer:** I'm bored, Hoshino. Spice things up. Imply _stuff._ Make people hug each other. Make them kiss. Make an orgy, I don't care.

 **Notes:** _Really_ bored, Hoshino.

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 _you say one thing_

 _i'll say two things_

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"Arsehole," Allen swore.

"Fucking Moyashi," Kanda shot back.

"Bakanda."

"Fucker."

"Kanda, you need to expand your vocabulary beyond 'fuck'. I mean, of all the swear words out there..."

"Piss off."

"There ain't a bathroom here."

"...Never again."

"...Sorry."

"Bastard."

"Jerk."

"Moyashi."

"Hey, enough with the sprout comments, dumbarse."

"Asshole."

"Jackarse."

"You need to expand beyond 'arse'. And it's _ass._ "

"Shut up, Bakanda. It's a British thing."

"You think I care? I'm Japanese, moron. It's like telling me to eat spaghetti."

"Jackass. There, better? I mean, really, who holds it against a person for saying arse?"

"You have a weird fixation with asses."

"Says the one who calls me Moyashi."

"Stupid sprout."

"Same difference."

"Just come here already. You know what arguing does to me."

"Whoa there, Kanda. Enough with the bedroom eyes. Now's not the greatest time for sex."

"...What? I don't see anything wrong."

"Bakanda, sex is great. Sex is awesome. I'm all for sex. But now? Nuh-uh."

"Moyashi. _Now._ "

"...Arse. Your _problem_ is on my stomach."

"Deal with it. _Now._ "

"Um, hello, Kanda? You, me, sitting in a cramped area with Akuma looking for us and your Innocence is busted and _my_ Innocence is close to being busted. Not ideal for sex."

"Look, Moyashi, when we get back, Komui's going to have to fix our Innocence."

"But that does not mean there are grounds for raunchy porn—"

"So, we will be traumatized for a long period of time. Which means, no sex."

"...I'm listening."

"So we are going to have sex right now. Got it Moyashi?"

"...But the Akuma—"

"The fucking Akuma can wait."

"Arse."

"Moyashi."

"Bakanda."

"Can we get it on already?"

"...Fine, Kanda. But just this once."

"You said that the last time. And the time before that. And—"

"I get the picture, Bakanda. Now move your _problem_ a bit lower. It's not comfortable when it's poking my stomach."

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	8. Argument

**Title:** Argument

 **Genre:** Romance/Humor

 **Rating:** K+

 **Summary:** When two people argue, it usually means they care for each other. Kanda and Allen take that to the next level.

 **Disclaimer:** If I owned D. Gray Man, I wouldn't have put the series on a hiatus just after it was getting really really interesting.

 **Notes:** Poor, poor Kanda...

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 _you either love or hate me_

 _why else would you think about me?_

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The first time Allen meets Kanda, it is at a little place called Lee's Sandwiches.

As he places his order, choosing a simple sourdough bread with roast beef and lettuce and tomatoes (his uncle, Cross, insists that he regulate his large appetite and Cross isn't shy when it comes to using his verbal lashes and punishment hammer freely), he watches the grumpy-looking cashier with long dark hair (who looks suspiciously feminine, but his deep voice says otherwise) take his order and argue with his coworker, a cheerful redhead wearing a headband and an eye patch, at the same time.

The way the two interact reminds him of an old couple—well settled into their little quirks, habits, and arguments—and argue just for the sake of arguing. The long-haired one snaps and the redhead counters quickly, like two people who have danced to the same music for so long that they have memorized the steps almost perfectly. He wonders if they are together. Allen is fully aware that—he squints at the name tags on their white aprons—Yuu, the cashier, is not the female he could be with his long hair, further proven by his constant swearing and black glares and decidedly flat chest (but of course Allen isn't looking).

Allen does wonder why Yuu seems to have crossed out his name on the name tag and scratched out "Kanda" in block letters.

Yuu calls the red-haired Lavi "Usagi", often attaching "Baka" or "Teme" before the endearment in a torrent of Japanese. Allen searches through the sparse Japanese vocabulary he has (he knew that "Baka" meant idiot or stupid) and ralizes that it means "rabbit".

Allen wonders if "Baka Usagi" is a Japanese way of saying "honey bunny" or something akin to that.

Sitting at one of those ridiculously high tables with the chairs that have long skinny legs, Allen continues to observe the "couple". They are fighting rather loudly, Yuu creasing his forehead and baring his teeth at Lavi. Lavi, on the other hand, is taking it all in his stride, grinning helplessly and shooting back with bright remarks.

Yuu looks dangerously close to strangling the redhead, Allen muses. But, Allen also muses, he has heard that the more two people argue, the more they care for each other.

Allen decides that it means that Yuu and Lavi care for each other a lot.

So deeply is he involved in his thoughts that Allen doesn't notice that he is very well near slipping off the stool that is not as safe as one might think. It is not until he actually falls off that he breaks out of his reverie and rubs his bottom ruefully.

The sound of a scornful cough moves his gaze to the counter, where Yuu is obviously smirking and Lavi is nowhere to be seen.

"Baka Moyashi," Yuu chides, still smirking condescendingly.

Allen glares. "Baka—" he pauses, trying to find an inspiration for an insulting nickname. Then hi silver eyes alight on the scratched out "Yuu" and the scribbled "Kanda".

"Bakanda," he mutters under his breath, pleased with his genius.

Unfortunately, Allen discovers that "Bakanda" has sharp ears and Yuu hisses, "What did you say?"

Shaking his bangs out of his face, Allen sidles up to the feminine cashier and plasters a very sweet and very fake smile onto his face. He is on a roll, and when Allen Walker is on a roll, especially during a game of poker, he isn't about to be stopped. "Are you deaf now, _Ba – kan – da?_ "

Yuu's face contorts in fury.

"Fucking Moyashi," he swears, leaning closer to Allen, close enough for Allen to see the dangerous glint in Yuu's eyes.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all, Allen reflects woefully.

"Erm," he clears his throat, "look, Yuu—"

A bread knife comes sailing an inch away from his nose. Allen quakes. Where did that come from?"

"Don't call me Yuu," Yuu-now-renamed-Kanda emphasizes, waving the bread knife threateningly.

However, Allen is not about to give in yet. He throws away his fear of the knife (after all, Kanda would get fired if he actually used it on a customer...right?) and faces Kanda with all sixty-six inches of him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that about _Yuu,_ " he replies deviously. Kanda's eyebrow twitches. "After all, I barely know _Yuu._ It's not my fault that _Yuu_ prefer to be called by a different name. This is the first time I've met _Yuu_ , so pardon me, won't _Yuu_?"

Then, almost as an afterthought: "Won't _Yuu_ hurry up with my order?"

Kanda snaps. It is one Yuu too many, and he launches into a full, blown-out rave that mostly has to do with castrating Moyashi, lynching Moyashi, subjecting Moyashi to Chinese water torture, dragging Moyashi to a guillotine, pulling Moyashi's ears until Moyashi looks like a monkey, slicing off Moyashi's hair and selling it to old geezers, ripping out Moyashi's heart and feeding it to the pigs, and so on.

Allen retaliates (after noticing the absence of the knife threat), and the two become absorbed in their childish verbal spar. The other customers try to politely nudge them back into reality and give their orders, but they receive death threats and curses in return. In the end, the stream of customers stop and there is no one else left in the sandwich bar.

Lavi, the redhead, saunters from the back and blinks at the scene. Kanda and Allen, flushed from exertion and anger, are staring each other down, both growling like animals.

Lavi whistles and asks if he is interrupting anything.

Immediately, Kanda turns away and moves to clean a table or two. Allen apologizes profusely to a bewildered Lavi who asks why he is being apologized to.

"For making your boyfriend angry," Allen says, bemused. "What else?"

Kanda's hand slips from where it is grasping a cloth and bangs the table hard. To compensate, he seethes, turns, and throws an empty plastic cup at Allen's head and the missile reaches its target. Allen yelps, glowers at Kanda, and turns back to Lavi, who is snickering softly to himself.

"What's funny?"

"Yuu's not my boyfriend. We're just good old buddies," Lavi says, chuckling lightly.

Allen flushes, flusters, and apologizes even more. It takes another ten minutes for Lavi to prepare his order, since Kanda never got around to it. It takes a second for Allen to scarf him down. It takes five additional minutes for Allen to apologize until he feels like he has apologized enough.

And, as he looks almost shyly over at Kanda, who is avoiding them both by vigorously wiping down the tables, Allen smiles and says very gently, "I'm sorry for...you know."

Only Lavi sees the faint blush on Kanda's cheeks.

As Allen finally leaves the shop, he realizes that Lavi had slipped something into his pocket, since Kanda didn't come near enough to have slipped slipped that something in. Taking out a scrap of paper, Allen reads incredulously:

"The more two people argue, the more they care for each other."

Allen crumples up the paper mortified.

Later, Kanda discovers a similar note in _his_ pocket.

He too crumples up the paper, but not before thinking of silver eyes, white hair, and sweet smiles.

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	9. Illusion

**Title:** Illusion

 **Genre:** Drama/Angst

 **Rating:** K+

 **Summary:** Kanda finds relief from his illusions in Allen.

 **Disclaimer:** If I owned D. Gray Man, I would at least give a reason why I'm putting it on a hiatus.

 **Notes:** Yeah, um...if you don't understand the title of this chapter, then don't read—there'll be spoilers.

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 _flowers blooming before my eyes_

 _hiding you from me_

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Kanda once heard an interesting phrase from a conversation an arguing couple were having: "They've got you looking for a flaw for so long that after a while, that's all you can see." The couple continued to exchange verbal blows until both sighed, stopped, and cooled their heads before apologizing. The whole exchange hadn't stirred up any particular feelings in Kanda except for the one sentence.

Kanda thought that his life was a complete oxymoron of that line.

They—the Order, Central, that old man Zhu—knew full well that lotuses were all he could see, and they got him thinking that he shouldn't be seeing them; or at least, ignoring them. But the lotuses were no illusions. Lotuses, magicking from the ground wherever he walked in the Order, trying not to stare as a group of Finders ambled right through a little patch of flowers that were only visible to him. Lotuses, drifting from the sky like snow as he leaped from rooftop to rooftop, evading a persistent Level Two, cursing as the flowers obscured his sight. Lotuses, dancing before his eyes as he laid awake at night, staring up at the ceiling and waiting impatiently for the first hint of dawn to come so he could train.

And be away from those illusions, eating away at his life.

He covered his eyes with a cloth, blinding himself, while training. He mostly did so, he told himself, to improve his skills, to grow as an Exorcist. But the smaller, softer, and more frightened side to his complicated personality whispered that he just wanted to block those lotuses from his mind, to be able to face only peaceful darkness.

He only had vague first memories of Bak Chan and Renee Epstein. Renee did not change much, he recalls absently. Authoritative, commanding attention, but he could see that there was more to her than what everyone else saw. There was something darker lurking in her past, a heavy burden weighing her down. But he turned up his nose—Kanda did not care for her. She was merely another player in the game that brought him to life.

Bak was the one who life had really put through the shredder. The younger Bak had been overflowing with enthusiasm and self-righteousness. He had completely confidence in the so-called justice in experimenting and toying with human life. He was blind to what belonged in the "right" category and what belonged in the "wrong" category—or at least, had his own sense of justice. But, no longer. Now, there were lines under Bak Chan's eyes. He often looked at Kanda with droopy and furtive glances whenever they crossed paths. And the plead for forgiveness was nearly always present in his eyes.

Kanda scoffed. There was nothing to forgive.

And even if there was something, forgiveness could not turn back the clock.

" _You may feel that way, but that's not how we feel about you. It was our clan who created you in the Synthetic Disciple project that Central forced upon us nine years ago. Caught up in our dreams of 'Second Exorcists', it was my clan, the Chan family, and Renee's, the Epstein family, that made that huge mistake."_

Kanda had a distant memory of learning to _breathe._ That had been the only action that gave him trouble. He would inhale harshly, coughing, not sure how much air to take in. He would watch his stomach expand, he prodding the soft flesh in wonder, and his throat would throb with such sensitivity that he could _feel_ the air scraping the insides in a painful manner.

Then he would exhale. He would feel something leaving his body and his form would crumple in on itself. Shaking slightly, he would breathe in and exhale again, watching his stomach slowly rise and then fall.

There had been little time for him to learn the little things of everyday life. Because soon after Kanda Yuu came to be, he was thrust into the role of an Exorcist.

Mugen. Innocence.

Akuma. The Millennium Earl.

Exorcist. Sacrifice.

Mission. And only the mission.

" _Kanda...do you still see the flower?"_

He wanted to feel horrified, at first. A young girl—barely six, sucking on her thumb like a baby still—suddenly morphed into an ugly, pitiful monster. He killed her— _it_ —and wanted to feel horrified, to feel a shred of humanity.

He did, at first. But gradually, as he became used to finish missions with blood staining his uniform, he began to feel nothing. He was losing himself in this war...as was many other Exorcists.

And so he hardened himself. He would not be like some of the other Exorcists who became mere shells of themselves. He would survive, and live, with his mind intact. He learned to shut off all emotions, to set aside his feelings and to plunge himself completely into the missions. Get the Innocence. Kill the Akuma in the way. Finish the mission.

He never stopped again to question his purpose in life or even why he was doing what he was doing.

After all, he was created for the sole purpose of destroying Akuma and defeating the Earl, because he was on the "good" side and the Earl and his minions were on the "bad" side.

Kanda thought he had finally sealed away all his doubts for good.

" _I see... Let's keep this a secret, just between you and me."_

Allen Walker.

He was everything Kanda made himself not to be. Idealistic, naïve, soft. And most of all, he had a heart big enough to _love_ Akuma. Kanda laughed madly—Allen was everything beyond his wildest dreams and thoughts. Allen took his past doubts and insecurities and made them his trademark.

His love for the Akuma both sickened and fascinated Kanda. From the first day they encountered each other to the first day they were sent on a mission together to the first day Allen whispered into his ear, thinking the Japanese to be asleep, "I love you."

That Allen could find some part of his ridiculously large heart to fit him in...

It made Kanda want to collapse and wonder what the heck he was doing with his life.

" _You mustn't dwell on it. It is just an illusion."_

Moyashi. Allen.

Bakanda. Yuu.

 _I love you._

 _I love you._

" _That flower is an illusion."_

He woke up, panting and breathing heavily. Lotus flowers greeted his vision with a perverse sort of familiarity. He rolled over only to face Allen's sleeping expression. Slowly, Kanda's tense muscles slackened, and he quieted and watched Allen sleep.

He pressed his forehead against Allen's. The cursed boy murmured something softly in his sleep. His eyelids fluttered and he twitched, but then he settled and continued dreaming.

That there was someone in the world who could accept him completely, who could love him despite his many sins and flaws...

Kanda's eyes fluttered closed.

 _'This is not an illusion.'_

The two broken Exorcists slept on, finding peace within the other in the chaotic world they lived in.

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	10. Identity

**Title:** Identity

 **Genre:** Drama/Angst

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Noah, Mana, Kanda... Allen thinks about all this and more.

 **Disclaimer:** As much as I would love for it to be so, Kanda and Allen are not my gay porn slaves.

 **Notes:** A pretty mundane, overdone plot...

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 _tell me, what do you see_

 _when you look at me?_

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Allen wonders who he is.

He looks into the mirror and feels his stomach drop, and not from the fifty sticks of mitarashi dango he consumes on a daily basis. Pressing a hand onto the smooth surface, leaving behind ghostly fingerprints, he waits. The shadow behind him leers back, the toothless grin mocking him like a crescent moon. The shadow occasionally wags its head, cocking the smooth round skull from side to side, but the blank eyes never leave Allen's. They stare straight ahead, into the object the shadow is reflected upon, sneering at Allen, "You're just my shadow. I'm your shadow now, but _I'm_ the one whom Mana loves. I'm the one who's real." The dreadful grin widens.

Allen breaks the mirror one day.

Komui scolds him, but his words fall on deaf ears.

He hates it. He hates how no one will tell him anything directly. He hates how they say one thing but their eyes show pity, sympathy, hate, disgust, and worst of all, indifference. But they never say anything to him. He is growing up and already shoulders the responsibilities of an adult.

But he is still a child.

 _Am I really going to kill someone I love?_

He wishes they—the Order, the Inspector, his watcher—would just come out and voice the whispered things behind their eyes. He wishes for that so he could just understand why this is all happening, and to him of all people. He wishes for honesty, integrity, and the truth.

The truth, most of all.

But again, the truth might not be what he wants. Isn't there the phrase "ignorance is bliss"? Allen wonders what he ought to choose, if given the choice. An unpleasant truth or a beautiful lie? He thinks that he once knew the answer, but now he is not so very sure of himself. Because he himself does not know who he truly is. Allen Walker...?

Or the Noah that Mana loved?

Who did Mana really see?

He wants to know.

And yet, he does not want to know.

 _Mana, did you really love me?_

Allen desperately tries to find some semblance of hope. He tries to remain optimistic. He refuses to let these worries weigh him down, dragging him into despair. He cannot let fear and anguish take over his hand. Because he is afraid of what will happen if he does not hold on and try to smile. So he smiles because he cannot let anyone see how deeply he is embedded in the darkness. He smiles to escape, to divert prying eyes away from his vulnerable self.

Lenalee and Lavi both notice. Occasionally, Lenalee's gaze on him would soften with worry and sadness and fear, mirroring his own. Sometimes Allen manages to catch her off-guard and returns her gaze with something akin to defiance. She never turns her regard away in shame, but always looks at him straight in the eye, although the worry would disappear and be replaced by fake cheerfulness. Allen does not feel comfortable when people stare at him, but he never minds if it's Lenalee. Because she understands only too well how it feels to be used, to be a tool, to full feel the burden of an Exorcist's duties.

It hurts to look at her directly.

Lavi, on the other hand, doesn't waste words or petty glances. He plows through life, laughing and cheering and cracking jokes. He doesn't leave much time or room for dark thoughts. Instead, the future Bookman fills the pages of Allen's life with exuberance, pulling Allen behind him and forcing him to realize that life is not all bad. He makes Allen realize that even though there is war and death and that a Bookman shouldn't have feelings and an Exorcist is a mere pawn in battle, there are still friends and companionship and community and mitarashi dango.

Allen wonders if Lavi ever stops to think about the bad parts of life.

 _I don't know who I am anymore..._

And there is Kanda.

Kanda isn't like anyone Allen has ever met.

Kanda always says what he thinks, or sometimes, he does not even bother speaking his thoughts, as if you are not worth such attention. He is never afraid of consequences, how others may view him, or what the higher-ups are really planning. Kanda is coldly beautiful, with his merciless mindset. He does not flatter or use pretty words or say one thing and mean another. Sometimes his harsh attitude annoys Allen in a way he cannot understand.

But he does understand.

He wants to be like Kanda.

Allen finds himself wondering what Kanda thinks about. He wonders why Kanda only ever eats tempura soba. He wonders why Kanda grows his hair long. He wonders at the strange and ominous tattoo on Kanda's front. He wonders at the exotic and foreign grace that Kanda has. He wonders at Kanda when he fights, his movements fluid and skillful and confident.

 _Hey, Kanda...what do you see when you look at me?_

Soon, Kanda occupies Allen's thoughts all the time. Morning, afternoon, night.

Most especially night.

And soon, Allen finds himself longing to be in Kanda's thoughts as well.

Kanda is strong, but Allen wonders if the Japanese is more fragile than anyone thinks. One time, after visiting Bak Chan, Kanda returns looking weary. There is a pain in Kanda's eyes that Allen has never seen before, fresh and crisp. He wonders what could have broken Kanda, so beautiful and cold and strong. Immediately, Allen finds himself going up to Kanda and hugging him, much to the shock of the Finders near them.

Of course the long-haired Exorcist smacks him, but Allen can't help but smile genuinely.

Allen smiles because he notices.

He notices how Kanda looks at him as well.

Those dark eyes are questioning, wondering. They follow him wherever he goes, asking a question that Allen can't quite answer yet. Dark blue eyes meet silver eyes before darting away, embarrassed. Kanda's eyes are confused and unsure and Allen wonders if that is what his own eyesl ook like.

"Kanda."

"What is it?" Kanda asks, pulling away from the deep kiss they are involved in.

Allen hesitates. "What do you see when you look at me?"

Kanda's arms, which surround Allen, embrace him even more tightly in a warm and firm hug.

"Idiot. I see a Moyashi."

He taps Allen's forehead, poking it roughly.

"I see _you._ "

Allen cries.

He finally knows who he is.

"You're my Allen," Kanda says gently before blushing, disconcerted.

"Then does that mean you're my Yuu?"

Kanda's blush deepens before he snaps, "You stupid sprout..."

 _It's okay to be yourself. Because when I look at you, I don't see anyone else._

 _I love you because you're_ you.

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	11. Lists 1

**Title:** Lists (Part One)

 **Genre:** Romance/Humor

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Kanda's lists do not include falling in love with Allen.

 **Disclaimer:** D. Gray Man, updated monthly? Well, better than all of this hiatuses...

 **Notes:** Yeah, another multi-chaptered plot bunny.

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 _asking in one, two, three_

 _do you love me?_

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Kanda didn't look like the kind of person who made lists. Not physical lists, mind you, but mental lists. Checklists, grocery-shopping lists (in theory, of course), schedule lists, you name it. There were also lists of "Most Annoying People" and lists of "Fuckers Who Should Die", although truthfully there wasn't a large difference between the two. It wasn't as if Kanda particularly enjoyed making lists, but it made his life more organized and soothed him on occasions when he felt like ripping apart Lavi (or anyone in particular) with his bare hands.

As it was, Kanda made mental lists almost on a daily basis. How many lotuses he saw today, how many times Lavi called him Yuu-chan, how many times he swung Mugen at Lavi and missed, how many sticks of mitarashi dango Allen ate...

But Kanda wasn't paying special attention to Allen in any way. Of course not. Not at all. Why would he pay attention to a Moyashi? It was completely illogical. And besides:

It was just another list.

Right?

The Japanese also had a list of things he would absolutely _never_ do.

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 **THINGS I WILL NEVER DO**

by _Kanda_

(NOT YUU-CHAN OR BAKANDA)

1\. Die.

 _I need to find_ that _person._

2\. Lose.

 _Self-explanatory._

3\. Get involved with this thing called Love.

 _Lavi said that everyone gets involved with that shitty stuff. Like hell I'm going to be part of_ everyone.

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Kanda was very proud that throughout his entire life, he had done none of those three. Certainly he'd been beaten to a mere inch of his life a few times, but he healed fairly quickly and sometimes he even got to kill the fucker later on. And true, he had lost in a poker game against Allen (Allen had insisted as to kill time during a mission in which they were on a boat for three whole days), but from what he'd heard from Lavi, about everyone lost to that kid in poker.

Besides, Allen _cheated._

Kanda blanched. He sounded as if he was whining.

And there was that sticky business called Love. Kanda had scoffed when Lavi had once playfully told Kanda that as much of a cold-hearted, unlovable, violent, cruel, prickly, grumpy (here, Kanda's clenched fist had twitched and Lavi decided to stop with the negative adjectives) ass he was, even he would find Love. Everyone met some form of Love at some juncture on the Road of Life, Lavi had reflected with what he had thought to be a sagely voice.

The whole speech would have sounded a lot more impressive if Lavi had left it at that, but it turned out to be one of the stupidest things the redhead had ever said. Maybe it was because Lavi ahd dragged him to a bar during a mission, got drunk, did a striptease, and nearly got raped by some weird curly-haired pervert who looked as if he spent every single day in his life tanning in the sun, and then plopped down next to Kanda to offer his advice on Love.

The clincher was when Lavi insisted that Kanda had to be in Love.

"You're drunk, moron," Kanda had said bluntly.

"Am not," Lavi giggled. "You've got the look, man. The Love look. You're just in De Nile."

Lavi had then fainted and left the bill and burden of carrying him to their inn to Kanda.

Quite besides the point, though. Kanda didn't love anyone. He loved Mugen (Allen often frowned upon what he called an almost abnormal worship he had for his Innocence), he loved tempura soba, and he loved...

...Well. Maybe he had the wrong kind of love in mind.

However, there had yet to be a woman to hold Kanda's concentration for even a minute. Lenalee was pretty enough, he supposed, but his reluctant admiration and affection for her ran no further than a cool friendship. She and Lavi seemed to be spending a lot of time together anyway, and Kanda held no envy towards the redhead. After all, there was still Komui in the equation, and if you wanted Lenalee, then you had to deal with the mad Supervisor in default.

Miranda was out of the question. The German could barely stand in his presence without quivering in fear. What kind of screwed up relationship would that be?

He didn't know any of the (few) female Finders well enough.

And Kanda wasn't bent. Of course he wasn't. Not at all. He nearly killed the last person who suggested that (which was Lavi, of course).

Therefore, the scoreboard ran: Kanda 1, Love 0.

So Kanda rose up from bed one morning, relatively pleased with himself and the world for once, trained for a couple of hours or so, cursed the lotuses less than he usually did, and then headed for the cafeteria to snag some tempura soba to cemebt hi very rare good morning.

He made the mistake of standing behind Allen Walker in the breakfast line.

"Good morning, Kanda," Allen smirked at him.

His good morning was gone. Just like that.

Allen always produced the strangest reactions from him. The Destroyer of Time could ruin his day with a single critical comment like no one's business. Many claimed to actually _feel_ the tension crackle between the two whenever they squared off, and Kanda too thought that he felt _something_ when mouthing off the white-haired teen.

He assumed it was hatred, of course.

"Moyashi," he growled back, displeased.

"It's Allen, Bakanda," Allen retorted with no small amount of irritation laced in his voice.

"Che."

An uncomfortable silence came afterwards, stiff and awkward. It felt as if both had run out of steam. Allen coughed lightly and turned his attention back to the front of the line, flushing for reacting so childishly, no doubt. The Japanese swordsman easily dismissed the younger Exorcist's blush, turned his head away, and proceeded to study the ceiling. Then:

"Sorry."

...What.

"What," Kanda said bluntly, not understanding the apology at all, or even Allen's reason for disrupting what he had considered to be a mild stillness.

"I said sorry," Allen muttered, scuffing a boot on the ground. "I just wanted to say 'good morning'. I didn't mean it offensively or anything."

He paused and raised silver-blue eyes to meet Kanda's gaze, clear and focused. For some reason, his chest seemed to tighten.

"You may be a completely bastard, but you're not so bad sometimes. I owe you that much."

Heat crossed his cheeks. Kanda thought that he must be getting sick even though he _never_ got sick, but what else could explain the strange fluttering in his chest, the heat that must be from a fever, and the fact that his eyes couldn't move from the boy in front of them?

"I don't care if you hate me or not," Kanda said, finally breaking his gaze.

"It shouldn't be like that," Allen said quietly.

And then Allen _smiled._ He smiled—and smiled—and wouldn't stop smiling—and Kanda was quite sure that he was going blind because it was so fucking _beautiful—_

Whoa.

Hold that thought.

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 **REASONS I WOULD NEVER LIKE MOYASHI**

 _He's a fucking guy. With a stick._

 _He's a Moyashi._

 _How does it work between two guys anyway? I mean, you have to have..._

 _He's a martyr and naïve and cries too easily._

 _I'm a guy. He's a guy._

 _He's cursed. And I'm cursed. That's just twisted._

 _I'm not gay. He...might be gay, but I don't care about that._

 _If Lavi finds out..._

 _I'm not in love. No fucking way. Love doesn't just happen like that, right?_

 _I'm not going to fall in love._

 _No way._

…

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…

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	12. Box

**Title:** Box

 **Genre:** Romance/Humor

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Allen finds a mysterious box on his doorstep. Chaos ensues.

 **Disclaimer:** Kanda will be mine. After I fork over a couple billion yen to Hoshino.

 **Notes:** I suppose this has potential to be multi-chaptered... Meh, that's still in the clouds though.

…

…

…

…

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…

Allen stared at the package on his doorstep.

It was an unusual package in many ways; a package that was big and long enough to fit a very tall and large man in. The cardboard had various holes punched strategically on one end (Allen couldn't help but think that they looked an awful lot like air holes). Scribbled on the other end in black pen were the words, "Idiot disciple, let this thing die and you die. Corss", the last word written in a large and ridiculous flourish. There were dents all over the box, as if the _thing_ inside was shaken violently on its journey to Allen's humble abode.

That, or it had struggled to get out.

Dear, dear.

"Anything from Cross is bad," Allen winced. He remembered a certain insect-eating plant Cross had once dumped upon his person, similar to a Venus Fly Trap...that grew like a motherfucker and ended up bigger than him...and shuddered. His cat, Timcanpy, peered at the "present" from behind his owner's legs and meowed in agreement.

Now...

To open or to not open, that was the question. Allen considered the pros—none that he could find since this was Cross—and the cons—too many for him to even feel comfortable with.

Maybe somehow, he could get rid of the box so that his mentor (Cross was a tough but fairly skilled man in their line of work, of which Allen pushed to the back of his mind) would never find out—

Suddenly, the box trembled and began to rock back and forth.

Allen stared at it (fearfully) for a full five seconds before making a decision.

Looking from side to side, Allen resolved to lug the curse from Cross inside his house before the _thing_ popped out and ran away. After all, it was his responsibility now, now matter how much he disliked his foster father and teacher. Not to mention that the neighbors would be freaked out by whatever monstrosity Cross sent him this time. And besides, if it got away, Cross would eventually find out and have his head. And Allen liked his head where it was, thank you very much.

Pushing his sleeves up, Allen managed to drag the quivering package inside his house, grunting at the sheer weight. He pulled it into his living room with some difficultly, went back to shut and lock his front door (using all ten locks that he had especially for Cross; pity that his foster father was a master in breaking and entering), and turned his attention back to the package just in time to hear it _speak._

"Fuck, let me out!" The words were punctuated by angry rustles of movement inside followed by more muffled obscenities and death threats. "Cross, you bastard, I'm going to cut you up in so many pieces that—"

"A talking box," Allen snapped his fingers in presence of an "Ah-ha!" moment.

The box stopped talking. Allen blinked at the sudden silence. And then the impact of the whole situation and his own words finally skewered his lagging brain. "Dear Lord, it's a _human._ Cross sent me a slave! I knew that he had to be in on human trafficking, I just knew—" He began to flail, too shocked to form a coherent sentence afterwards.

"Who are you calling a slave?" the box that was not a human hissed. "Let me out, you fucking—"

Allen frowned at that. He felt a flicker of pity for the man—well, he was fairly certain it was a man—trapped inside the pitiful excuse of a box, but he didn't ask for this whole incident to be dumped upon his shoulders. And being cursed at wasn't helping his mood.

The white-haired college student gave a deep sigh. Oy vey. A fine Saturday this was turning out to be.

"Didn't you hear me? Let me out now—"

"Say please," the white-haired teenager shot back.

If he knew this kind of persona well, then he would bet his reputation as a professional gambler that the man inside was the type who had a ludicrous amount of pride bordering on arrogance. If Allen Walker was to bend to his master's will, then he might as well have some fun out of it.

The box went silent. Then:

"Over my dead body."

"That's just great," Allen shrugged. "I don't like Cross and I probably won't like whoever you are, considering he sent you to me. So you'll have to stay in that nice, cramped cardboard house." _'Hell, why am I trying to negotiate with a stranger inside a box sent by Cross?'_ Still, he started to make his way toward the kitchen.

"Meow," Timcanpy said, pawing the box.

"Tim, don't take his side."

"Meow."

"Let me out, you fucking...you fucking Moyashi!"

"...Bean sprouts?" the Brit queried after a quick scan through what Japanese he knew. "My name is _Allen._ Get that through your thick skull, okay?" Rolling his eyes, Allen turned away before the box finally gritted out, almost desperately.

"... _Please._ "

The Brit snickered.

"Good boy."

He found some scissors and snipped away at the tape until the person inside (who had been turning around and about restlessly from the sound of it) couldn't wait any longer and managed to kick out with a strong leg and break through the cardboard.

The box disintegrated before Allen's eyes, revealing the pale figure inside.

"Well," he blinked.

A very _nude_ pale figure...with long dark hair...a murderous expression... On the whole, as a very bisexual and healthy young male, Allen could appreciate the pretty long hair that seemed to have an indigo shimmer and the intense dark eyes that bore through your soul and the well-built chest...

Silver eyes traveled down south before suddenly realizing what they were doing.

"About damn time," the man professed, sounding ruffled. He stood up and Allen gave a squawk before covering his eyes indignantly.

"Put on some clothes!" he snapped. "Do you want me to go blind?" _'No, I don't think it's my eyes we should be worrying about... It's my nosebleed...'_

Sneering, the man flicked his long hair aside, seemingly unaware of his nakedness. "Quit whining, Moyashi."

" _Allen._ "

"Whatever," the stranger snorted, but he turned around nonetheless to spare Allen the sight of his...family jewels. Allen was, instead, gifted with the sight of a very nice ass.

"Don't just stand there!" Allen said, looking aghast and trying not to let his eyes wander more than they already had. Stupid, pretty, long-haired exhibitionist. "I'm not letting some weirdo who got caught by Cross stand in my living room in the nude."

A pause. And then:

"Well, unless you're a nudist..."

"Don't go there," the man glared. "And I wasn't caught by that damn womanizer."

"But the box says—"

"Shut up," the exhibitionist said conversationally. "And get me some clothes."

"You could at least give me a name."

"Kanda."

"...Kanda?"

"The clothes, Moyashi."

"It's Allen!"

…

…

…

"So..." Allen began somewhat nervously.

"Kanda" was lounging in the living room, glancing around the room with impassive and unimpressed eyes. He was dressed rather plainly in Allen's biggest T-shirt which he normally used as pajamas, and jeans his best friend Lavi had left behind during a round of strip poker. The shirt was big; big enough to slip off one shoulder, revealing a long neck and smooth skin. The jeans, too, were loose on delicate hipbones, and Allen really wanted to just bend over and _nip_ —

"What?" Kanda said.

Shaking his head to rid himself of those thoughts, Allen replied, "If Cross didn't capture you, then how did you..." Allen gazed wordlessly at the box before shifting his attention back to Kanda.

Something twitched in Kanda's scowling face. He sat up straight and began to glare at the box in cold fury. If Allen hadn't been so busy worrying about what kind of affairs Cross had entangled himself in now, he might had found the expression rather sexy.

As it was, Cross and his smirking face and long red hair and evil gaze were in his mind and playing a fast and furious game of "paralyze Allen with mental images of all the debts he had to settle".

"That man," Kanda finally forced out, "left instructions in there."

He jerked a thumb at the general direction of the cardboard pieces

 _'Instructions?'_

Allen crossed the room, his lips pressed tightly together at the sheet of paper resting innocently in the inner depths of the damaged box. He had failed to notice it before since Kanda was a more _distracting_ sight. Leaning over, he plucked up the paper and read, his eyebrows furrowing together as he read more and more.

…

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…

 **IDIOT DISCIPLE AND SON:**

 **BY NOW, YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED A WHINY MALE BITCH WITH LONG GAYASS HAIR.**

 **THE BITCH IS CALLED KANDA YUU.**

 **AND LIKE BITCHES, THIS BITCH NEEDS TO BE TRAINED.**

 **KANDA YUU WILL BE YOUR SLAVE. TORTURE HIM, CURSE HIM, FUCK HIM, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. HE'S YOUR DAMN SLAVE, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH HIM.**

 **HIS IDIOT OF A FATHER, TIEDOLL, SENT HIM TO STAY WITH ME TO TRAVEL AND LEARN SHIT ABOUT THE WORLD.**

 **I'M NOT TAKING THIS BITCH WITH ME, END OF STORY.**

 **YOU GET TO KEEP HIM FOR THREE MONTHS.**

 **YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY MORE MONEY TO PAY FOR THE BITCH'S EXPENSES.**

 **KILL HIM AND YOU GET TO GO BACK TO INDIA TO PAY OFF THAT DEBT OF SEVEN TRILLION RUPEES RACKED UP FROM LAST TIME.**

 **BE GRATEFUL, IDIOT DISCIPLE. I KNOW YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH FREAKING RAINBOWS, SO HAVE FUN WITH THIS ASS WHILE YOU CAN.**

 **CROSS MARIAN**

…

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…

Allen summed up his thoughts in two words.

"Well, fuck."

Kanda rolled his eyes. "Looks like I'll be staying in this hellhole for three months."

The albino glowered at him. Sexy ass or not, Kanda was, well, a bitch.

Kanda stretched nonchalantly, his abdominal muscles flexing visibly under the thin cotton white shirt.

Allen shamelessly watched.

 _'Well, maybe three months isn't that long after all...'_

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	13. Lists 2

**Title:** Lists (Part Two)

 **Genre:** Romance/Drama

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** You can't force yourself to not fall in love. It just happens.

 **Disclaimer:** Ha. If I owned D. Gray Man, then Yullen would be totally canon.

 **Notes:** Well, if you haven't noticed, this is part two of the Lists installation.

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 _falling in love with you is like_

 _crashing into a wall headfirst_

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Kanda liked making lists. And recently, he had been making a lot of them. Normally, Kanda found lists to be boring but fairly useful when struggling to pass time or even to reorganize his thoughts. But for once, he was making lists from something that couldn't be farther from boredom...

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…

 **ANALYSIS OF MOYASHI**

 _He eats too much of everything. Fuck, his appetite is probably the reason for world hunger._

 _He's a martyr. "I want to be a destroyer who saves." THAT CONTRADICTS, YOU MORON._

 _Why the fuck does he always smile when he sees Lenalee?!_

 _...Why does that piss me off?_

 _He hangs around with Lavi too much, and I can't stand that fucking rabbit. They're way too close._

 _...Fuck. Have to make sure Lavi doesn't notice that I'm..._

 _Wait._

 _I don't like Moyashi._

 _There shouldn't be a problem then._

 _Right?_

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…

…

"Are you feeling okay, Kanda?"

Kanda's head jerked up from his half meditation, half making-more=lists, and for a moment, he was torn between puzzling over Lavi's unusual inquiry into his well-being and the fact that Lavi actually called him by his surname.

The former won out, and he grunted an affirmative before sinking back into his thouhts.

"I wasn't talking about you physically, Yuu," Lavi said exasperatedly, reverting back to referring Kanda by his first name. The red-haired Exorcist was sitting on the stairs, leaning against a nearby column. "I know that your form is still pretty sharp after you almost killed that Finder the other day. I meant that you've been a bit moody. Well, you're always pretty moody, come to think of it—"

"Get to the point," Kanda interjected, Mugen tucked in his arms as he stared out at the courtyard.

Lavi pondered for a moment, lacing his fingers together as he struggled to sort out his thoughts in a manner of coherency and priority.

"Well, for starters," the future Bookman began hesitantly, "you don't threaten me that much anymore. I've been seeing a lot less of Mugen in my face and death threats behind my back ever half second. I mean," he hastily added when he noticed the glint in Kanda's eyes and the sudden caress he bestowed upon his Innocence, "not that I'm saying it's a good or bad kind of thing. Just, you know, different. And something big must have happened for you to act different."

"...So basically," Kanda said finally, "you want me to spill."

"Yes," Lavi said immediately, before realizing he sounded a bit too eager, "well, no, but yes—I mean, you're not someone who spills, but if you ever _did_ , hypothetically—"

"No."

"...Wait, wait, time out... You can't just—so fast—without a second thought—seriously, just no?!"

"No," the Japanese repeated calmly. Seeing that Lavi was currently spluttering and scrambling for a comeback, Kanda took the opportunity to check the sun for the time, let his eyes slide shut, and began to comb through his mind for any information about the certain hour.

 _'Moyashi usually comes out to train at this time of day...'_

His eyes snapped open.

Shit.

Him. Lavi. Allen. Together. Courtyard. Bad.

"But Yuu-chan," the object of Kanda's current worries finally squeaked out, "what if it's something, I don't know, dangerous or weird or has something to do with the Noah? What if they did something freaky to you? The war's bad as it is on our side."

Lavi leaned in earnestly towards Kanda, true worry shining in his visible eye. Unfortunately, Kanda merely grimaced at the idiot expression on the redhead's face which only served to make him even more determined to _get the hell out of here._

"Says the idiot who was seduced by a Noah."

Flushing, Lavi leaned back to his spot by the column and folded his arms while bringing his legs up against his body, a gesture that Kanda knew to be a sign of Lavi's growing defensiveness.

"He was really good-looking though..."

"Irrelevant. He's still with the Earl."

"Well, you didn't notice he was a Noah either," Lavi shot back.

"Excuses."

"Aw," Lavi began to plead again, "Yuu, you're trying to change the topic. Tell me what's bothering you—"

"I'm going back in," Kanda announced. He stood up, shifting Mugen so it was resting against his hip in its usual fashion, and made to head towards the cafeteria.

Instead, he walked right into Allen and smashed the younger man's forehead into his chest.

"Owww..." Allen muttered. Rubbing the aggrieved skin, he gave Kanda a half-hearted glare. "Watch where you're going, Kanda."

Kanda didn't hear a word the parasitic Exorcist said. Instead, his train of thought was happily running down the line of _'Moyashi's skin looks really soft...'_ and _'it looks even nice with a mark'_ and _'it would look really nice with_ my _mark'._ His eyes were focused on the wide, almost childish silver eyes, the small nose, the full lips. In fact, he was so preoccupied with Allen that he failed to remember Lavi was watching the whole interaction with more than a simple curiosity and interest.

"Kanda?"

"What?" he snapped out of reflex.

Allen breathed a sigh of relief. "You weren't answering me. Usually you'd say something like, 'Che, move out of my way, moron' and then walk off. It's a bit creepy to find you staring at me instead."

"I wasn't staring at you."

 _'De Nile, Yuu,'_ Lavi snickered. So it had been Allen who was the cause of Kanda's strange behavior. No wonder, Lavi mused ecstatically to himself. He had always wondered why Allen and Kanda just couldn't get along and worked out their tension through verbal arguments and the occasional spar with the common _shinai._ He hadn't been alone in noticing the literal sparks that flew between them, but he always wondered if perhaps there was something _more_ that neither of them had noticed yet. It had only been speculation and he was all but making a hurricane out of a breeze when he jokingly told Kanda that he knew the swordsman was in love...

"Hey, Lavi," Allen suddenly called. "Want a spar? I was going to meet Lenalee but Komui wanted her help on something else."

 _'Oh no,'_ Lavi quaked as Allen turned his huge silver eyes onto him just as Kanda turned _his_ eyes on him. He pressed himself more fully behind the column and considered his options. On one hand, if he refused Allen's offer, then Allen would be disappointed... And he always felt like a bastard seeing those pretty eyes look downcast. But on the other hand, if he accepted...

 _'Why did he ask_ you _?'_ Kanda all but seethed telepathically at Lavi.

 _'I lose either way, don't I? Besides, you're forgetting that he thinks you hate him.'_ Lavi shrugged his shoulders to signify the hopelessness of the situation.

 _'Shut the fuck up and refuse him already!'_ The swordsman had a vein pulsing in his temple as he said so.

 _'You're mean, Yuu-chan... But since I'm your best friend, I will gracefully back down_ and _give you a chance to talk to your beloved sprout.'_

"No can do, Allen," Lavi said, trying to look distressed and failing miserably since he was rather keen on not having his neck as Mugen's next target. "I took a break from running Bookman's errands and he's probably expecting me back. That old man's pretty strict about being on time and all that."

"Eh, is that so..." the Brit drooped.

"B-but!" the redhead quickly said. "How about you spar with Kanda?"

"With Kanda." Allen raised his eyebrows.

"Why not?" Lavi gabbled out. "I mean, you're here, he's here, you're both really strong, and IgottagoseeyouaroundAllen!"

"..."

"..."

"...Well, if you're up for a spar, Kanda..."

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…

Breathing heavily, Allen twisted his body to avoid the first that met thin air in lieu of his face which it had been aiming for. He attempted to reach for the arm to restrain it, but Kanda saw through his plot and snatched his arm back, dropped down, and lashed out to sweep Allen's feet from the ground. Allen avoided it by jumping and landed behind Kanda's back.

He knocked Kanda to the ground and bent to pin the older male down when Kanda brought up a leg and successfully kneed Allen's stomach. Grunting in pain, Allen backed off.

"Let's take a break," he suggested, massaging his abdomen and panting slightly. "We've been going at it for an hour now."

"Weakling," Kanda snorted, but he gratefully wiped his forehead, sank gracefully to the ground, and crossed his legs to assert himself in his meditation pose. For a while, he let himself bask in peaceful silence, the afternoon sun warming his cheeks. Allen laid on his back nearby, staring up at the sky.

"...Hey, Kanda?"

"Hn."

"What do you do when you're bored?"

One dark eye fluttered open, looked at Allen, and then fluttered shut again.

"Train."

"No one trains that much, Kanda."

"Che. You spend all of your time eating."

"Not true," Allen murmured drowsily, turning his face to the side and snuggling into the ground. He breathed out quietly before continuing, "You really don't do anything else besides train?"

 _'I make lists...'_

"Hn," Kanda hummed in his throat. Right now, he felt really relaxed. The earlier sparring session had loosened up many of the tense muscles he usually had, even more so this time since it was _Allen._ In fact, Kanda didn't even feel like arguing with the Brit. This kind of peaceful banter felt...nice. Comfortable, even.

"Kanda?"

"Moyashi."

"It's Allen. And I spend my free time reading?"

"Reading?" The swordsman's eyelids lifted lazily to consider the other Exorcist. Reading? Really? He never pegged Allen Walker to be much of a reader, come to think of it. He didn't know that much about Allen in general.

And oddly enough, he didn't mind taking his time learning more about the silver-eyed Exorcist.

"I don't read anything special," Allen sighed. He pressed himself further into the ground tiredly. "I just look up to see if I can find anything about Innocence. The Earl. Anything."

 _War._ Kanda twitched. A most unpleasant subject, and one he didn't think suited for Allen to talk about, and in such a dejected voice. "Any useful information about Innocence and the Earl would have been researched by Central already," he pointed out. "The Order wouldn't leave such valuable information for us 'sacrifices' to get our hands on."

"There is that," Allen sighed again, and he rolled over. "Hey, Kanda?"

Kanda nodded slightly.

"Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I wasn't..."

Kanda kept his gaze and even returned it, his dark eyes steady. He inclined his head, indicating that Allen could go on.

"If I wasn't..."

Allen's voice trailed off and he stared down at his arms. Or, more specifically, at his left arm.

He didn't need to finish that sentence.

Kanda knew.

He knew, and he understood.

They passed by the whole afternoon in silence without sparring again.

And Kanda fell a little more in love with Allen.

…

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…

 **FURTHER ANALYSIS OF MOYASHI**

 _He still eats too much. But at least he likes soba..._

 _He's a martyr, but at least he knows what he's getting himself into._

 _He stopped smiling at Lenalee after she accidentally kneed him in the groin during a spar._

 _Heh._

 _ButohfuckLaviknows._

 _...That doesn't bother me as much as it should._

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	14. Memorial

**Title:** Memorial

 **Genre:** Family/Tragedy

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Kanda tries to find some closure and Tiedoll can only laugh.

 **Disclaimer:** I only _wish_ I owned Kanda and Allen...

 **Notes:** Nothing much. Continue reading.

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 _at the end_

 _who really loses?_

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Frowning down at the tombstone, Kanda said bluntly, "I'm here, old man."

Tiedoll didn't respond for once and Kanda twitched. The silence was almost unsettling coming from the once chatty and fatherly man who had adopted him from so long ago.

"You had to kick the bucket before Daisya's graduation," the long-haired Japanese continued, his eyebrows still furrowed together in displeasure. "You know how much the brat whined and cried because you said that you would be there and instead, you're six fucking feet under the ground? You said that you would be at all of our graduations—Marie's, mine, Daisya's, Chaoji's. Daisya's pissed off at you for leaving him out, you know? Chaoji too. And now they won't stop whining down my back like crybabies."

Maybe Kanda was hallucinating, but he could have sworn he heard a heartfelt chuckle come from the grave. He wouldn't put it past Tiedoll to somehow manage to haunt him as a ghost or something stupid like that. That man was too attached to his foster children for his own good.

Scowling, he sat down on the grass, his posture stiff and uncomfortable as his white dress shirt pressed the dirt ground.

"Lavi said I had to come and pay my respects or some shit like that."

More silence. Kanda took the opportunity to fish several wilted and droopy carnations from his breast pocket.

"Allen gave me these," he muttered gruffly. "Took them out of his graduation flower bouquet. He said that I should visit you too."

The inaudible chuckle rang out again.

"You never got to know, did you, old man? Allen Walker? The short sprout from next door?"

A very slow and soft smile curved Kanda's mouth. It rounded his normally sharp and severe features.

"Yeah. It happened just like you said it would. We're...you know."

And suddenly, the smile dropped. "But that doesn't mean you're always right, stupid old man! You said that you would always be there. And I always told you not to be so fucking cliché and that you were going to..."

Kanda's voice fell into a whisper. "...die..."

His lips tightened and his voice barely quivered when he asked almost desperately, "How sick were you? How sick were you really?"

Tiedoll's laughter filled the air, soft and sad.

"Said nothing," Kanda grumbled to himself under his breath. "Nothing. Not one fucking word. I had to find you dead. I had to. I just had to. Coughing up blood for days, eating nothing, not one grain of rice. Nothing. And you still smiled like the damn idiot you are and said everything was okay. Small cold, little fever, only a few days at most. And what, you're dead now? It came to nothing."

His voice, which had still been at a whispering volume, rose.

"It came to nothing! You're dead. What's the use of that? Huh? Answer me!"

A deep sigh seemed to emit from the grave.

"I know, I know," Kanda snorted, suddenly straightening up and resuming his disapproving glare directed at the tombstone. "Everyone dies, even a senile old man like you. But still..."

He paused, trying to find the right words.

"Still..."

He sat in silence, staring at the tombstone, eyes roving over the words etched in stone:

 **FROI TEIDOLL**

Loyal friend and loving father.

 _The last one who laughs wins._

"Che," Kanda muttered, breaking his gaze. "I never did understand you. Not even when you're dead and not hanging around my back anymore. Now it's Moyashi doing all of the hanging.

And then Kanda blinked and tilted his head back to laugh. It was a surprised, breathy kind of laugh, the kind that expressed incredulous wonder. It felt uncharacteristic of Kanda, and the tombstone seemed to agree as it faced the Japanese with a severe air.

"Moyashi would have liked you. You two both have old geezer hair." Smirking, Kanda added, "There. Now I've won."

He left the carnations on the ground and didn't look back when he walked away.

Behind him, an old man laughed from the sky.

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	15. Delusions

**Title:** Delusions

 **Genre:** Romance/Angst

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Kanda meets an childhood friend and Allen feels so very alone.

 **Disclaimer:** D. GRAY MAN UPDATED, HOMG. Oh, and I don't own.

 **Notes: SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 188 AHEAD. DON'T READ THIS STORY IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE LATEST CHAPTER OF D. GRAY MAN.**

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 _'cause I don't know anything about you_

 _the harder I try, the more I fall, the farther you are away from me_

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Allen never knew that Kanda had a childhood friend.

But he did. Someone named Alma.

That hadn't bothered Allen much, at first. Oh, he wondered why Kanda had never mentioned Alma before, but Kanda had always been an extremely private person. And Alma had been very kind to Allen. He had shaken Allen's hand enthusiastically, a grin blooming on his face, as he said, " _So you're Yuu's lover, huh? He gives you a lot of trouble, doesn't he? Take care of him, won't you?"_

It was only until later that Allen realized Alma had called Kanda by his first name. Yuu.

But even then, it hadn't bothered Allen. Surely they, as little kids, had called each other by their first names and with endearments. It didn't mean anything, after all. Alma was Kanda's childhood friend, and that was that...right?

" _Hey, Yuu, Allen is pretty cute! How did a grumpy guy like you get hooked up with him?"_

 _Allen blushed, but something cold went through his body when Kanda said:_

" _Wouldn't you like to know?"_

 _Alma laughed easily. "Touchy. You haven't changed much, Yuu."_

 _A half-smile crept up onto Kanda's face. "You're still the same too, Alma."_

" _What? Are you kidding me? I'm taller than you now. Taller! See? And my hair's longer than yours too." Alma grabbed a fistful of hair and shook it in front of the Japanese's face._

" _Che."_

" _Oi, oi," Alma complained, "your old friend comes to visit you and that's all you can say?"_

 _Kanda laughed and Allen felt even colder. It was rare for Kanda to laugh—Allen himself struggled to crack a smile on his boyfriend's face. But then Alma came and showed up and Kanda was smiling and laughing as if he did so every day._

 _An invisible door seemed to click shut between the albino and the two childhood friends, leaving Allen alone._

Kanda had also started to take days off from work to spend more time with Alma. Most of the time, Allen was included in these escapades, but he usually went through the whole day without speaking a word to either Kanda or Alma. There was no room in the conversations for Allen.

All of that space was left for Alma.

And there were those few times when Kanda had left without a word, only to come back and say, "I was with Alma."

 _'But why didn't you say anything to me...?'_

Alma came over more and more often. Allen acknowledged that the two of them had a lot to catch up on, but slowly, gradually, a third plate was set on the table for dinner. A worn couch in the living room was claimed as Alma's seat. Alma even slept over a few times.

 _'...Hey, Kanda, does Alma mean a lot to you?'_

As time went by, Allen realized that he and Kanda had stopped having sex for a while. He thought that it was because Kanda was being cautious, in case Alma heard anything during one of the nights he was sleeping over.

However, Kanda eventually stopped touching him altogether. The cold Japanese wasn't a touchy-feely person to begin with, but even then he hadn't rejected all of Allen's own touches either. Now, whenever Allen tried to hug him, Kanda would shrug off his arms before quickly making an excuse.

 _'Did you two ever...um...that is...'_

"Hey Allen!"

"Ah..." Allen's spirits fell when he opened the door. "Alma. It's nice to see you again."

"Yeah, me too," Alma replied cheerfully, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Is Yuu in?"

Kanda was currently in the shower, but Allen didn't want to tell Alma that. For a moment, he was seized by the temptation to say curtly, "No, he isn't", and slam the door in his face.

"Alma?"

Kanda approached the door. He had just gotten out of the shower, evident by his bare chest and the towel he was using to dry his hair.

"Yuu!" Alma said, before suddenly frowning and turning the other way. "Ugh, put a shirt on! I didn't need to see that."

"Whatever," Kanda shrugged.

"Besides," Alma continued. "You're going to make your boyfriend jealous. Right, Allen?" He winked at Allen.

"Yeah..."

"Yuu, I was thinking about taking you and Allen to that restaurant downtown," Alma said. "And don't worry, it's not the Italian that you hate so much."

"Eh?" Allen blinked. "Italian?"

"Oh yeah, Kanda really doesn't like Italian food," came the reply. "He hates it, in fact."

 _'...Hey, Kanda, why did you go to that Italian restaurant with me last week? Why did you never tell me that you...'_

"Sure, let's go," Kanda said complacently.

"Coming, Allen?" Alma said.

"Oh, um, I don't know..."

"Are you feeling okay?" Alma quipped, looking concerned.

"Mhm..."

But nothing was okay. Everything was wrong. All of it. And as he looked from Alma's worried face to Kanda's apathetic expression, he felt like screaming. Or breaking.

In the end, he did neither.

"I...actually, I don't feel that well." He attempted a disappointed face. "Maybe next time. You and Kanda go and have fun."

"Okay!"

The door shut and Allen slid down to the floor and buried his face in his arms.

 _'Alma is great. He's wonderful. He's funny and kind and he understands Kanda.'_

 _'He...understands Kanda.'_

He looked up. This wasn't his home anymore. Alma had come into it. Alma had come and he was here. He was everywhere. He was in the air Allen breathed, he was at the table, he was in the bathroom, he was sitting on his couch, and he was outside, laughing and smiling with Kanda.

"Idiot..." Allen let his head fall again.

…

…

…

There was laughter outside the house. Allen raised his head—had he been sleeping the whole time? The voices outside raised and Allen pressed his ear against the door to listen.

"Yuu...you know, I really had a great time today."

"Yeah. Me too, Alma."

"Yuu. You love Allen, don't you?"

"..."

"...Remember the promise when we made as kids?"

"..."

"We said we would never find our dream girls because then we'll always be together."

"..."

"But I guess you didn't find a girl after all. Ahaha..."

"Alma..."

"No. Forget it. I don't know what I was thinking. You should get back inside."

Silver eyes were downcast as Allen silently withdrew from the door and padded inside the house.

…

…

…

When Kanda finally entered the house, Allen was gone.

"Moyashi?"

…

…

…

A letter lay crumpled on the bed in their shared room.

…

…

…

 _Hey Kanda_

 _Cross called me and said I had to go traveling with him. You know, to pay off some of the debts he gained. That bastard..._

 _India is pretty far away, but I'll be sure to send you a card every month or so._

 _Don't know when I'll be back._

 _Allen_

…

…

…

"You sure about this, brat?" Cross said, removing the cigarette from his lips as he frowned at his young charge. "Once we get moving, we're not stopping anytime soon. You might not get back for months."

"That's fine by me."

"Idiot..." the redhead blew a cloud of smoke. "In the end, you're just running away from your bitch."

"Don't call him that."

"You have to face him someday."

"Then someday. But not now."

"...Do what you want," Cross finally snorted and he put out his smoke. "Now let's get going."

…

…

…

Alma patted Kanda's back.

"We'll find him," he promised. "It's my fault, after all. We've always been too close for other people to understand."

"No."

"No...?"

"If that idiot sprout wants to leave, I'm not stopping him. Besides, it'll do him some good. Assuming that I actually would betray him like that..." Kanda stopped and glared at the wall. "Why didn't I notice sooner...?"

"Yuu..."

"He'll come back." There was confidence in Kanda's voice, but Alma could hear the doubt in his words, however faint it might be. "He has to come back. He loves me."

 _'And you love him,'_ Alma thought.

…

…

…

…

…

…


	16. Sparkle

**Title:** Sparkle

 **Genre:** Parody/Humor

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Kanda is not amused by his lover's ability to sparkle. Or in this case, lack thereof.

 **Disclaimer:** Oh, if only, if only...

 **Notes:** I decided that formatting makes everything look neater. Go figure.

…

…

…

…

…

…

 _it's called glitter, darling._

 _try it sometime._

…

…

…

"You're a what?" Kanda said flatly.

Allen didn't bat an eyelid at his boyfriend's question. Kanda always was a little slower than most, he mused. "I'm a vampire," he repeated slowly. "Vampire, vam-pire, noun, and a corpse supposed, in European folklore—"

"No, I got that part," Kanda snapped, looking annoyed. "I mean, what the fuck? Since when?"

This time, Allen blinked. "Vampires are made, not born."

"Yeah, I got that part too," Kanda hissed, his temper fraying. "I mean, who the fuck changed you or bit you or whatever shit vampires do?" He paused, a look of intense concentration creasing his fale face, then frowned in sudden realization. "Vampires bites don't give you STDs or whatever, right?"

"It's not like having sex, Bakanda," the Brit said, looking bemused. "And for the record, I don't sleep in coffins or haunt graveyards."

"You know," Lavi said, grinning widely, intruding into the conversation and leaning on Kanda's shoulder as if he belonged there. "I always thought that you were a little off, Allen."

"Excuse me?" the white-haired teen said flatly.

"I mean," Lavi continued, unaware of the dangerous expression passing over Kanda's face. "The clothes, the food, the way you talk... Let's face it, you dress like a vampire. All you need is to borrow one of Krowley's capes and then you're set for life!"

"That," Lenalee put in, popping up magically behind Allen's back, "and you eat a lot. I'm assuming it's a desperate attempt to satisfy your bloodthirsty instincts, right?"

"Um, no," Allen said.

"And," the redhead beamed, "you have the most gorgeous accent."

"What?" Allen, Kanda, and Lenalee said flatly.

"It's like a given for vampires to be dead sexy," Lavi said flippantly, waving a careless hand in the air. "Something written in their genetic code. Really guys, haven't you read the books or seen the movies? And Allen-chan has the sexiest accent ever."

"Sorry, I think I may have slapped him too hard yesterday," Lenalee whispered to Allen.

"Why did you slap him?" Allen whispered back.

"Long story," the Chinese girl sighed, looking pensive at the thought of her red-haired boyfriend. "Involving my awesome leather boots, a glass of milk, and red pens."

Kanda was staring off into space, muttering something under his breath which sounded mysteriously like "must kill Lavi".

"So!" Lavi came back from Neptune and returned to Mars. "Got any superpowers?"

"...What?"

"Superpowers. Are you insanely strong? Can you breathe fire? Able to watch paint dry without getting bored?" Lavi listed off, looking more and more excited as he continued. Allen slowly inched away from one of his best friends, unconsciously moving closer towards Kanda. The Japanese pretend not to notice but could not hide the smug look on his face.

"Oooh, can you _sparkle_?" the redhead suddenly asked, his own eyes sparkling at the mere thought.

"Sparkle?" Allen looked as if Lavi had asked him if ducks could mate with geese. "Where on earth did you get that?"

"Oh, I've heard about this," Lenalee said, perking up. "It's some book series called something like Midnight or—"

"Twilight," Lavi grinned, flashing a peace sign. "You can't not know Twilight."

"...I have no idea what that is," Allen said, looking blankly at his friends, "but I don't sparkle. That has got the be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. What does sparkling have to do with being a vampire?"

"Hey," Lenalee said, ignoring her white-haired friend, "so if Allen is Edward, does that mean Kanda is Bella?"

"I'm what?" Kanda came back from the dead and _glowered_.

"Huh..." Allen blinked. "That's not such a bad idea."

"What are you talking about?" Kanda said, looking bemused and trying not to let his confusion show.

Lenalee and Lavi shared looks. "Looks like Allen might get away with topping today," Lenalee suggested.

"WHAT?!"

…

…

…

…

…

…


	17. Playground

**Title:** Playground

 **Genre:** Friendship/Humor

 **Rating:** K+

 **Summary:** First loves are always the weirdest. Especially if it involves a bean sprout.

 **Disclaimer:** Seriously, you'd think that after saying this sixteen times... I DON'T OWN, OKAY?

 **Notes:** I cranked this out on sheer force of will. The newest chapter of D. Gray Man was lurv, but it didn't give me as much inspiration as I hoped it would.

…

…

…

…

…

…

 _when i first met you_

 _it was friendship from the start_

…

…

…

Yuu scowled up at his adoptive father, Tiedoll. "But I don't wanna play with the other kids," the seven-year-old whined, dark eyes glowering. Craning his neck, he tried to intensify his glare to make up for his lack of height. Tiedoll just patted Yuu's head, chuckling, oblivious to the fact that his affectionate pat only served to further irritate his son.

"Now, Yuu-kun, I know that you love to spend time with the neighbor boy—"

"Lavi?" Yuu said, frowning. "He's an idiot."

"Yuu-kun!" The warm hand left Yuu's head and Yuu breathed in relief—he hated being patted on the head since it only reminded him how short he was. "Lavi likes you a lot. His father told me the other day that Lavi considers you to be his best friend."

The seven-year-old sneered; it was evident that he had picked it up from a television show and was trying to imitate it since the sneer came out more like a grimace. "I don't like him. He talks too much and he 'ugs me all the time even though we're boys and he says that hammers are cooler than swords. He tried to steal Mugen yesterday too."

"Mugen?" Tiedoll frowned. "You mean your plastic sword from your Halloween costume?"

Yuu nodded, looking excited at the mere mention of his sword. "Mugen is awesome! When Lavi took it, I chased him and then I hit him and then I got Mugen back and then hit Lavi with Mugen." He said this all very fast with a childlike satisfaction as if he had gotten the last chocolate milk in the cafeteria line.

Again, Tiedoll frowned. "Yuu-kun, I don't want you calling anyone an idiot, okay? That's a bad word."

The boy hmphed and looked away, crossing his arms.

"And I don't want you to hit Lavi anymore. If you do that again, I'll take Mugen away."

That caught Yuu's attention. His head whipped up again and he said possessively, "Don't touch Mugen. Mugen is _mine_."

"Then don't hit people with Mugen," Tiedoll said sternly. He crouched down to meet Yuu's eyes seriously. "Now, go on, go play on the playground. I want you to meet some new friends, and I don't want you to hit them or call them bad names." He paused, and then added, "Promise? I'll let you have a cookie when we get home." Tiedoll knew that he should be more firm with Yuu, but it was difficult—he was soft in the heart, and the slight hunch in Yuu's form was already making him feel like a brute.

Yuu sulked for a moment before reluctantly snapping out "kay" and padding out onto the playground, his gaze dark and his form sending off waves of ill intent.

Tiedoll sat on the bench and watched Yuu worriedly—maybe he should have brought Marie or Daisya along as well. At least they knew how to control Yuu's temper to a certain extent.

…

…

…

Yuu wandered around the playground for a while, hands stuck into his shorts pockets. The monkey bars were taken by a bunch of giggling girls wearing pink and talking about Hello Kitty. He didn't like the monkey bars anyway; they made his hands dirty and sometimes he got blisters which hurt a lot.

The slides looked boring and the sandbox was for little kids.

He looked at the swings. Right now, they were empty and he hesitated. He kind of wanted to go on the swings, but he didn't want Tiedoll to be watching him. Knowing his father, Tiedoll would say something about how cute he was.

The little Japanese boy frowned. He was not cute. He was a big boy.

Again, he stole glances from side to side before finally turning back to the swings. But then he stopped and furrowed his eyebrows together.

In the moments he had been lost in his thoughts, another boy had gotten on one of the two swings in the playground. The boy looked around his age and was swinging slowly, his legs swaying up and down. His hair looked kind of funny, Yuu thought to himself. It was white and silky-looking and it reminded Yuu of snow. It was kind of pretty but...only old men had white hair, right? The other little kids had brown, black, blond, or even red hair.

The boy on the swings lifted his head and Yuu blinked. The boy's white hair was pretty, but his eyes were _really_ pretty. They looked like... Yuu struggled to find the name for the color. They looked blue and silver and gray all at once.

The boy seemed to notice Yuu and started. He almost got up from the swings, but changed his mind and sat back down, clinging to the swing chains tightly. There was a frightened look in his pretty eyes.

Yuu didn't understand why the pretty boy was scared. Did he look scary? He took a step forward and the boy shrunk into his seat.

"You," the Japanese began rudely.

The white-haired boy flinched.

"What's your name?" Yuu demanded. He took another step forward.

Pretty Boy trembled and mumbled something to the tan bark ground.

"I can't hear you," Yuu said.

The boy swallowed thickly and said, "Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me." He repeated over and over again like some sort of chant. The fear in his eyes intensified and he ducked his head again.

"Why would I hurt you?" Yuu asked, genuinely curious. The boy was weird.

"I..." Pretty Boy averted his eyes. "Everyone thinks my hair is weird." He sniffed slightly and seemed to tear up. "I dunno why, but no one likes me. No one plays with me either."

"Your hair _is_ weird," Yuu pointed out bluntly.

A sob escaped the other boy, and Pretty Boy began to wipe his eyes furiously.

"But it's kind of pretty," Yuu added almost as an afterthought.

There was a frozen silence. Pretty Boy seemed to stiffen on his spot on the swings. After a minute, he left his arm drop and peered at Yuu with wide, tearful silver eyes. Yuu was close enough to see tears clinging to those long lashes and blinked, entranced. Really pretty eyes...

"My...hair is pretty?" the boy asked timidly.

"Yeah," Yuu answered. "It's shiny and looks like snow."

"Snow...?"

"It snows every winter," Yuu said, confused. "Don't you see it?"

"My daddy and I just got here. We used to live in a hot place that Daddy says is called India." The boy quieted before continuing, "Daddy's kind of scary. I a-xi-dentist-ly went into his room and there was a lady there and she wasn't wearing any clothes and Daddy got really angry. He said that I can't go into his room anymore."

"Huh," Yuu grunted. He plopped down on the other swing and began to kick with his legs. "He sounds better than my father. My father's annoying."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He always wants me to be good and play with other kids. I don't like that."

"Oh..." the boy looked downcast. "You don't have to play with me then..."

"Idiot," Yuu snorted. "We're just talking. We're not playing. Besides, your daddy sounds funny. Tell me more."

The boy perked up. "Daddy has really long red hair. It's really long. It almost touches the floor!"

"I want long hair too," Yuu said.

The boy looked at him. "Um..."

"What?"

"I..." the white-haired boy fidgeted. "I think you'd be pretty with long hair."

Yuu suddenly felt a flicker of...something. It felt like embarrassment, but it didn't feel bad like the time when he got in a fight with Lavi and he tripped while fighting, and a bigger boy called Tyki laughed at him. It was more like a good kind of embarrassment. "Hmph," he said, turning away. He wanted to say "thank you", but it felt too...weird.

He blinked. "You never told me your name. What is it?"

"Oh! Sorry. It's Allen."

"Aren?"

"No, Allen."

"Allen..." Yuu let the name sit in his mouth, rolling it around with his tongue. It suited the white-haired boy with pretty eyes. "I'm Yuu."

"You?"

"Yuu. But I don't like my name. My father is always calling me Yuu-kun."

"I like your name though," Allen said. "It's pretty."

Yuu frowned. "I don't like it though. I want to change it to something cooler."

"Change it to what?" Allen wanted to know.

"I don't know. But it has to be cool." He paused. "Allen?"

"Yuu?"

"Can I call you Moyashi?"

"What's that?"

"Bean sprout."

"But I'm not a bean sprout."

"I like bean sprouts though. And your daddy calls you Allen, right?"

"Well... He likes calling me 'idiot' a lot, but yeah, sometimes."

"I don't want to be like your daddy. I want to be special to you, so I'm going to call you Moyashi and no one else will, 'kay?"

Allen smiled. "Mm, 'kay," he said happily.

Again, the good kind of embarrassment seemed to flood Yuu's chest and it tightened slightly. Frowning to himself, Yuu looked at Allen's smiling face and felt his cheeks warm. He tried to convince himself that it was a hot day.

"Um...Yuu?"

"Moyashi?"

"We're...friends, right? We can play on the playground together when we want to, right?"

"Stupid. Duh."

…

…

…

Tiedoll snapped a few pictures at the scene and smiled to himself. It was a good thing he had brought a camera.

"They're so cute," he cooed to nobody in particular. "I'm so glad Yuu made a friend."

But of course, not even Tiedoll could fanthom that this first meeting would be the beginning of a long friendship and eventual relationship. For now, though, the children sat on the swings and laughed and talked, not knowing that they would one day find love in each other.

…

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	18. Eggnog

**Title:** Eggnog

 **Genre:** Friendship/Hurt/Comfort

 **Rating:** K+

 **Summary:** A word of comfort over eggnog warms the soul.

 **Disclaimer:** One kiss, Hoshino. One smooth between Allen and Kanda. That's all I ask for. Okay, fine, a _hug._ Is that really too much? I mean, it's Christmas!

 **Notes:** Meh. Well, I was planning on making this a lot more angsty, but it'll do for now...

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…

…

…

…

…

 _only in this moment will i_

 _softly let myself be broken_

…

…

…

Allen sat outside, breathing in the cold air. A cup of eggnog was nestled in his gloved hands. He lifted one hand and blew on it; it was truly regrettable that his gloves didn't do a very good job in keep the blood circulation going. A sudden chill breeze cut across his face like a knife and his throat seemed to throb in misery. Coughing slightly, he adjusted his scarf to fully cover his mouth.

Silver eyes gleamed in the darkness as he huddled into a ball, curling up on the stairs.

 _'Happy birthday to me.'_

Dimly, he heard the sound of snow shoes shuffling behind him. A rustle of an insulated jacket, and Kanda was sitting on the stair above his.

Allen didn't need to turn around to see Kanda's eyes, dark and reflective. Neither did he have to imagine what kind of facial expression the Japanese would have on. It would be, he sighed to himself behind the scarf, inscrutable, slightly stiff, and awkward in all of its pale, aristocratic beauty.

"How did you know I was here?" he asked, his voice muffled by the cream scarf.

"It's Christmas," the dark-haired college student said by a way of replying. Allen made a small noise in his throat, and promptly winced as a harsh cough forced its way out. He took a sip of eggnog to soothe the burning sensation in his mouth.

"Sick?"

"Yeah. A cough," Allen mumbled through his lips, not daring to open his mouth to another cold wind.

"Why did you come to the party?" Kanda's eyebrows were furrowed as if he couldn't understand the logic of a sick freshman present at the annual Christmas get-together hosted by Lavi, a jovial senior. The building behind them echoed with a cacophony of laughter and party chatter, with an occasional sound of a champagne cork being pulled. Techno music was pounding behind them, and yet outside, in the white surroundings, it felt as silent as a graveyard.

Clearing his throat, Allen said quietly, "It's better than being alone."

The Japanese senior gave Allen a long, measured look.

"Well, I'm alone right now, but at least I'm outside. You know, with the snow..." As if to make a point, he lifted a hand and caught a snowflake in it. Kanda's gaze didn't falter and Allen slowly lowered his arm and returned to staring at his eggnog and the film of ice that seemed to have grown over the surface. The tiny crystals sparkled in the dim light and Allen felt just a little bit like crying for no reason.

Kanda let out a sigh that sounded more exasperated than it was sad. "It's Christmas," he repeated.

Slowly, Allen nodded.

"He doesn't hate you."

Allen was silent.

"Stop blaming yourself, sprout. Stop moping over something dead and gone."

"I..." Allen's lips parted. "I can't. You of all people should understand that."

Kanda let his eyes wander across the back of Allen's head. The freshman's white hair, as unnatural as it usually looked, was beautiful in the snow. It gleamed with little snowflakes that were steadily falling from the sky.

Frowning, he looked away.

"It's..." Allen seemed to struggle for words. "It's not fair, sometimes. I mean, most people have happy memories around this time. But I... It's not fair, but it's not as if I can do anything about it. And fairness really comes from your perspective, so I guess I'm lucky to some people but—" He was rambling, and it was starting to show on Kanda's face. The older male raised an incredulous eyebrow before huffing.

"Sprout. Just shut up for a moment."

"...Mana..."

And Allen was crying and _ohfuckitall_ he was sobbing in front of _Kanda_ of all people and he couldn't believe that Christmas still managed to affect him this way because _Mana_ was dead and _hekilledhisfather_ and it didn't matter if everyone said it was an accident because—

Because he loved Mana. And he didn't want to lose the people he loved.

"He doesn't hate you," Kanda repeated softly. "You're a goddamn _Moyashi._ " Kanda's logic sounded twisted to Allen's ears, but he couldn't feel anything else besides the dull ache in his chest and the blurring image of the eggnog in front of him, the layer of ice melting from the hot tears streaming down his eyes.

Something shifted and a warm arm seemed to fall across his shaking shoulders. But it must have been a dream because when Allen finally looked past the tears obscuring his vision, Kanda was gone. All that was left was an impression on the snow-covered stairs where Kanda had been sitting. The snow steadily fell, carefully covering up the impression, and Allen sat alone on Christmas, holding an cup of eggnog.

It must have been his imagination when he heard two voices, one clear and kind like Mana's and the other deep and baritone; similar to Kanda's, saying, "Happy birthday, Allen."

 _Thank you for being born._

 _Thank you._

The eggnog was completely frozen. Allen deemed it useless for drinking, but didn't move from his spot. He clutched the cup and watched the snow fall gently, lovingly, onto his upturned face.

 _'Hey, Mana? Do you see me?'_

Silver eyes traced the stars.

 _'Do you still love me?'_

Maybe he was being delusional, but as the snowflakes fell, Allen felt something mend. Gradually. Slowly. But mending.

…

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	19. Conversation 2

**Title:** Conversation 2

 **Genre:** Romance/Humor

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Allen thinks Kanda has been avoiding him. Kanda begs to differ.

 **Disclaimer:** Yeah, maybe after I buy D. Gray Man, I'll also achieve world domination.

 **Notes:** Bad dialogue up ahead. Cranked this out just now.

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…

…

…

…

 _you've been avoiding me_

 _or maybe i've been avoiding you avoiding me_

…

…

…

"Kanda, you've been avoiding me."

"...What? What makes you think I've been avoiding you?"

"I mean, we hardly spend any time with each other anymore. You go off on these missions and I don't find out until I ask Komui."

"Moyashi, don't going assuming—"

"What kind of relationship is this? You don't tell me these things anymore."

"..."

"And we haven't had sex in, like, weeks."

"...Urk."

"Yeah, choke on that."

"It's not like that—"

"What happened to my sex appeal? There's a lot of other people out there _dying_ to sleep with me. And then you don't touch me for ages."

"I never said—"

"You think I'm ugly, don't you? It's the hair, right? You're always saying that you're going to sell it to the old men on the street."

"Not the hair, but—"

"Wait, don't tell me you've switched to women? Kanda! I can't believe you're ditching me for boobs and a vagina!"

"I—that—wait— _what?_ Why the hell would I sleep with a woman?"

"If not the gorgeous, sexy me, and not a big-chested female harpy... Oh no. Oh _no._ "

"What kind of stupid conclusion have you come to _now?_ "

"You know, Kanda, I'm perfectly fine with you being asexual. Frankly, I should have suspected it from the beginning."

"... _Oh, god._ "

"The evidence is there. You've always had an unholy obsession with training and Mugen...and soba."

" _I have a perfectly healthy sex drive, and you know it, you fucking sprout!_ "

"Prove it."

"...Now?"

"Oh, for the love of—"

"Look, Moyashi—I mean, Allen. I haven't been avoiding you, it's just that I'm running out of time—"

"Oh yeah, you bastard, you're running out of time in this relationship!"

"What? No! I meant that my curse—"

"Your curse? Oh, excuse me, you mean _my curse?_ "

"No, no, I have to look for this person—"

"You _are_ leaving me for some girl? How scandalous, Kanda. I thought you were the more honorable type."

"You know what? I can't do this anymore."

"Fine."

"I'm leaving."

"Sure."

"Gone. Forever."

"Stop being so melodramatic."

"...Shut up, Moyashi."

"...My god, you really are avoiding me."

"...I've just been busy with missions."

"Yeah. I know."

"..."

"Sorry for being a...a jerk. It's not your fault."

"Yeah."

"..."

"...You know, Moyashi, if you want, we can..."

"Bakanda, it's going to take a lot more than that for me to forgive you right away. I'm topping tonight."

"No. Do that, and I'll tell Komui to stop feeding you. You're reducing our funds."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"...Tch. Bakanda."

…

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	20. Television

**Title:** Television

 **Genre:** Romance/Humor

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Soap operas, popcorn, and Kanda, aka the perfect Saturday for Allen Walker.

 **Disclaimer:** Oh man, I would totally turn D. Gray Man into some high school love story.

 **Notes:** More humorous stuff...I'll have a more angsty one up someday...or sci-fi...

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…

…

…

…

…

 _like the love in dramas_

 _you'll do anything for me, right?_

…

…

…

" _You don't love me anymore, do you?"_

" _Wha—calm down, woman! Stop jumping to conclusions, for the love of—"_

" _You don't answer my calls, you come home late—what am I supposed to think?"_

" _Fuck you! I don't give a damn about your insecurity issues, just shut up!"_

"Now that," Allen says very seriously, "is why you should never date women."

Kanda is in the middle of glaring at the enormously hideous bowl of popcorn Allen has seated on his lap and only barely registers the white-haired male's offhand comment. Kanda has never liked popcorn, and he especially dislikes it at the moment because 1) it's greasy and tastes like _shit,_ 2) it's not soba, which pretty much crosses it off his list of Favorite Foods, and 3) Allen is eating them like nobody's business and just watching his Moyashi's pink lips move is driving him crazy.

(It's also a pain in the ass to hide his erection. Fucking Moyashi.)

This is even worse than the time with the popsicle. Kanda bemoans his fate before remembering his beloved boyfriend is still talking to him and about the dull people on the telly who are still having an argument that makes the trysts between him and Allen seem like confessions of love.

(It's some sort of soap opera and Kanda has already forgotten the names of the characters and the overall plot.)

"I mean," Allen is saying whilst frowning at the remote, "women are, like, another species. And who wants to have to learn another language just to understand them?"

The popcorn finally runs out due to Allen's colossal appetite. Allen gropes the empty container for a moment before realizing he has stomached every last kernel. He pouts at the empty bowl and ponders if he should get up and make some more because hey, it's food, but he's also missing the show, as bad as it is. Kanda takes the opportunity to change the channel.

(Kanda has no idea why they are even watching a soap opera.

At least it's better than the chick flick Allen once skimmed through on a whim.)

The new show has a lot of blood and screaming and mutilated bodies. Kanda watches, slightly fascinated (anyone relatively close to him has accused him of sadism, although Kanda thinks otherwise), but the blood is obviously fake, the detached hands and legs look plastic (which they probably are), and the main character, a stupid girl who jumps at her own shadow, looks constipated shouting as the monster mauls her body across the street.

Next to him, Allen runs a hand through his white hair and says, "Kanda, if you don't want to watch my show, then at least pick something decent.

Kanda ignores him in favor of watching zombies rip the heads off little children. Nothing like violence and gore to quell a hard-on.

"This show's even worse," Allen says to his empty popcorn bowl but makes no move the change the channel. He nudges Kanda with an unfriendly elbow who grunts in reply. "Hey, go and make me some popcorn," he demands almost childishly, shoving the bowl into Kanda's limp arms.

If Kanda had been in an unusually good mood, he might have complied with his lover's wishes with little to no complaint. But the gory television show is horrible, the wimpy actors aren't even trying to fight against the zombies, and the fake guts are just a disappointment. So instead, he shoves the bowl back at his boyfriend and growls, "No." All the while, his eyes remain glued to the very bad, very bloody movie.

"Kanda..." Allen's voice has reached dangerous levels. It has taken on the tone he only uses when he is trying to intimidate his card-playing opponents. And right now, Kanda knows that he is about to get chewed out.

"Bakanda, don't make me put on that Korean drama you hate so much."

" _Which_ Korean drama?" Kanda shoots back.

Allen pauses. "Does it really matter?"

"...No," Kanda admits grumpily, and rather reluctantly. "But I don't think we have any popcorn left—"

A sweet smile makes its way onto Allen's face. "Then go buy some," he purrs, making Bedroom Eyes for good measure. Kanda's erection returns with vengeance and he swears at nobody in particular. Allen's eyes increase their focus and he's all but crawling onto Kanda's lap, teasing him.

"Please?" he breathes into the Japanese's ear.

Kanda shudders. "Just don't...put on some stupid drama," he says, his own voice coming out shakier than he wants it to sound like.

The moment Kanda's out of the house, Allen leans back on the sofa, picks up the remote, and cheerfully switches the channel back to the original.

" _I've had it! You don't do anything but make demands! Stop being a selfish bitch and listen to my needs sometimes!"_

" _I didn't mean to—that's not the point!"_

" _Then what is?"_

" _You're supposed to love me! If you loved me, you'd do anything for me!"_

" _What kind of sick, twisted logic is that? Shouldn't you do anything for me too?"_

"Soap operas, popcorn, and Kanda," Allen smirks to himself. "It's a perfect Saturday."

…

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	21. Lists 3

**Title:** Lists (Part Three)

 **Genre:** Romance/Drama

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** At times, it feels accidental. As for other times...it's just meant to be.

 **Disclaimer** : Bah. Japanese manga are so much cooler than boring old American comics...

 **Notes:** And the long-awaited, highly-demanded Lists is back!

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…

…

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…

…

 _if it's not love_

 _what else could it be?_

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 **REASONS WHY MOYASHI MIGHT BE GAY**

 _He...wears tight pants. What kind of guy does that?_

 _I don't wear tight pants. Do I? Fuck it all, that doesn't work._

 _He's got the fucking accent._

 _But it's British, so all British people have the same accent..._

 _Fuck. He's not gay, is he?_

 _Fuck._

…

…

…

There was no way of finding out if Allen was gay, or even remotely interested in him. And there was also no way of Kanda ever asking the white-haired Exorcist outright. He supposed that he could beg a favor from Lavi and send the redhead to question Allen, but the thought of being indebted to _Lavi_ made him squirm in a ghostly resemblance to the way he felt whenever Mugen was broken and it was left in Komui's hands for repair. Not to mention, Lavi would probably spend more time teasing him for actually _liking_ the very same boy he had snubbed in their first encounter.

Or Lavi might instead go on yapping about how Kanda was finally starting to rely on his friends and the usual cliché and overused shit about love. And then maybe he would start making friendship bracelets and have some sort of group chant before every mission. Kanda wouldn't pass it up for Lavi to actually do something like that.

Shuddering, Kanda shook his head. Lavi was definitely out of the question.

Chances were, Allen wasn't gay. Last he had heard, the sprout was attracted to Lenalee, and therefore, liked girls. Girls with round chests and full lips and curved hips. Girls who had high, sweet voices, slender forms, and smoky eyes.

Kanda took a peek downstairs. Nope, no hourglass figure.

 _'Maybe he's bisexual...?'_

Huffing, Kanda pulled himself together and splashed more hot water over himself. Coming to the hot baths situated inside the Order had been a way for him to relax before, but for some reason, today he just couldn't release the tension from his shoulders. Instead, he imagined Allen, flushed and smiling, professing his attraction to a faceless and nameless girl.

The thought made him want to break something. More specifically, the faceless girl's neck.

The sudden burst of jealousy made him sober and rethink his thoughts.

It wasn't as if he loved Allen anyway. He just happened to be a little enamored by the Moyashi. It didn't mean that he had to actually confess his love or girly shit like that. He didn't want a relationship or even a friend with benefits; being an Exorcist left little to no time for trivial matters such as that, and Kanda had been on a rigid training schedule ever since Mugen became his Innocence. There was no way he was going to let some damn sprout with pretty eyes ruin what he had right now.

 _'Although, he has really pretty eyes...'_

"Yuu?"

Visions of white hair and smooth, pale skin vanished from Kanda's fantasies and he scowled angrily as Lavi removed a small towel from around his waist and submerged himself in the hot water. The redhead paused at the dangerous glare thrown in his direction, but he continued regardless of the threat to his life in Kanda's eyes.

"I'll make this brief," Lavi said, trying to sound serious. "You like Allen."

Something between a cross of a grunt and a nod confirmed the statement.

"You really like him. You think he's attractive. You think he's amazing. You want to get in his pants."

" _Yes,_ Lavi," Kanda grounded out. "I – like _–_ Moyashi." He bent his head over, letting a curtain of hair hide his face from the world. "Like it fucking matters. It doesn't mean anything. He's just a brat."

"Well, just to let you know," Lavi was smiling again, and Kanda was really starting to hate that smile, "Allen's here."

Kanda jerked in his seat and nearly fell face-down in the water. "What?!"

"Lavi? Where did you go?"

A figure with Allen's voice appeared through the hazy steam that rose from the baths. Soon, Allen appeared, towel secured firmly around delicate hipbones and a smaller one lying folded on his head. He looked slightly annoyed. "Lavi, I told you to wait for me—Oh," he stopped, blinking at Kanda as if he was completely mystified as to why the Japanese Exorcist would be in the hot baths as well. "It's you," he said almost flatly.

Kanda felt himself wilt a little on the inside; the last time he encountered Allen, they had had a relatively peaceful conversation. What happened now?

The kicked puppy look in Kanda's eyes caught the redhead's attention. "Andddd..." Lavi drawled out, suddenly rising out of the water. "Sorry, Allen, got to go wash my back first. You stay here and chat with good old Yuu here, 'kay?"

And he was gone.

Allen coughed delicately before sliding into the hot water. Kanda was only slightly disappointed (slightly, he insisted) when Allen made no move to take off the towel covering his lower body parts. Instead, the parasitic Exorcist sighed, exhaling slowly, before leaning against the edge of the baths and closing his eyes wearily. Kanda watched him intently, taking note of the shadows under Allen's eyes, the creases his forehead had gained, and the new slimness to his already slight form.

"You look horrible," Kanda said bluntly. As much as he wanted to demand an explanation, he knew he couldn't force Allen to do anything. The younger Exorcist was under too many people's control already; who was Kanda to add more to his burden?

"Do I really?" Allen muttered. He drew a hand over his face before lowering his arm back into the water. "I think I've forgotten how to look fine."

"You're fooling everyone else," the Japanese shrugged. "The Finders, Central, your damn inspector..."

"They see only what they want to see," came the soft whisper. "An obedient dog who lets himself be pushed around just to prove he doesn't have rabies." Then Allen lolled his head and looked at Kanda with bright silver eyes. "I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I mean, you're a bastard."

"And you're a Moyashi."

"Hm." Allen didn't bother to counter and shut his eyes again. "It's kind of nice arguing with you. Good distraction."

 _'Is that it?'_ Kanda sulked in the corners of his mind. _'I'm just a distraction to him? Some fucking escape from reality?'_

As a visible rain cloud loomed over Kanda's head, Allen let his eyes fall down to Kanda's chest, where the mysterious tattoo inking the junction between his left shoulder and chest. A frown slowly spread over his face, and without thinking, he leaned closer until his head was all but in front of the symbol. A pale finger reached out and traced it gently.

Kanda jolted and looked down to see Allen crouching before him. Allen looked up for a moment before glancing back down. He let his palm spread over the symbol, covering it. Kanda felt himself stiffen at physical contact. He considered shoving the sprout away for a moment, but relented. Allen didn't seem on planning to do anything besides stroke the tattoo. It was strange that Allen would want to touch him so easily, but Kanda pushed the matter out of his mind and enjoyed the contact.

It wasn't so bad to have someone touch you, he decided. It felt nice. Allen's right hand was warm and slightly damp, and he was certain the sprout could hear his heart beating, firm and strong.

Somewhere, Kanda belatedly wondered if Lavi was watching all of this with a laughing green eye. The thought flew out of his head when Allen accidentally scraped his nipple. He tightened his mouth and forced himself not to sigh with pleasure. Allen didn't even seem to notice what he had done and continued to touch the tattoo with fascination.

Then his stomach sank when Allen opened his mouth.

"What does it mean?" Allen asked, eyes wide and curious. "This mark."

Turning his head away, Kanda frantically began doing the one thing that calmed him down.

…

…

…

 **WHAT SHOULD I TELL MOYASHI?**

1\. It's just a tattoo I got one day on a whim.

 _Fuck. He'll never buy that. He knows I don't do shit like that._

2\. It's a curse.

 _The truth? I don't want to have to explain everything else. Che._

3\. It's not your business. Stop touching me.

 _...He'll hate me. He'll hate me. I can't do that._

4\. Say nothing.

 _Maybe he'll leave me alone...maybe._

…

…

…

"...It's a curse."

"A curse?" Allen's eyes widened. He made to move as if he would remove his hand from Kanda's chest. But then he paused and instead, switched to his left hand. Kanda watched apprehensively as gray skin met pale, and Allen smoothed his palm over the symbol.

"Moyashi?"

"And to think you gave me a hard time for being cursed," Allen said slowly. His bangs covered most of his face from Kanda's view.

"...You're not going to ask about it?"

"No." Allen traced the symbol again, careful with the long black nails his left hand had. "I know what it's like to be cursed. And I know the feeling when someone asks why. It's not something that's easy to explain, especially if it has a dark history." And then Allen curled his fingers inward and pulled away. "Sorry," he said, looking sheepish, "I know you don't like people touching you or anything."

"Che," Kanda turned his face away so that the dark flush settling over his cheeks wouldn't be seen. "Like it matters when it's another cursed person like you."

Allen stared, startled, and then laughed. It was a light sound that made Kanda instinctively turn his head to watch those bright silver eyes become brighter. If Allen could just forget, even for a moment, that he was enslaved to the Order as an apostle...

"Hey, Kanda?"

"Moyashi?"

"It's Allen, you moron. Don't think I'm letting you off of that."

"What is it?"

"...Does this mean we're friends?"

"Who wants to be friends with a cursed person?"

"Another cursed person."

"Che. Don't be stupid, Moyashi. It's obvious."

"...Obvious that only cursed people would be friends with each other, or obvious that we're friends?"

"What do you think?"

…

…

…

 **THE FACTS RIGHT NOW**

 _I'm not in love with Moyashi._

 _But it might happen. Or maybe it's happening right now._

 _I don't really want this to happen..._

 _But like the stupid rabbit once said, you can't control this kind of shit._

 _Tch. Alright, you win, Love._

 _I'm not in love with Moyashi. I don't love him._

 _But I could._

 _That's the tricky part to it._

…

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	22. Habitual

**Title:** Habitual

 **Genre:** Angst/General

 **Rating:** K+

 **Summary:** While in a watery prison, an experiment wonders about the possibilities of life.

 **Disclaimer:** Nay! I own not! 'Tis a pity, but ah well, I wouldn't be writing this otherwise.

 **Notes:** Kanda in his tank thingy. 'Nuff said.

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 _if i stretch my hand_

 _would i be able to touch you?_

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…

Dark and silent. Almost eerie and most certainly lonely. The strange sensation of liquid pressing his skin, enclosing him like a heavy embrace he couldn't possibly free himself from. He wondered what it would be like to feel _dry_ and to _hear_ and _see._ Occasionally, the sound of a bubble would slice through the air like—like—

Dark and silent. That was all he knew. Darkness and silence was his world...and there was nothing beyond that.

He thought he felt something brush past his cheek. It was probably his hair, since there was nothing else in the tank besides what he had. And all he had was himself; a poor possession, he thought, as he didn't even know _who_ he was.

For a moment, he considered trying to open his eyes in the water. It was something he attempted now and then—he couldn't say day after day, since he truly had no knowledge of time. Minutes dragged by as he remained suspended in space, the world living and moving outside of his small imprisonment. Perhaps they were too caught up in the flow of life to even consider there might be one, nay, _dozens_ that longed for anything beyond a water-logged birthplace.

The pressure was too great. His eyelids would not lift.

Truly, sometimes he believed he might be the only one in such condition. He would be lying if he said he was confident of others in similar positions. Perhaps he _was_ alone in his fate, doomed to remain in the dark until some kind hand pulled him out.

No, even that would be too much to hope for. What kind of kindness would trap him in such a place to begin with?

Yet, he had nothing to compare kindness with. In the end, he knew nothing.

All of his thoughts were meaningless at this point. He could curl up on his prison and ponder the meaning of life, but it all amounted to nothing if he could not live beyond his meager status as a—

Who _was_ he? Who was to say he was even a he? Maybe, he was but a thing.

Dimly, he thought he heard mumbled words above his prison. He paid no attention to the voices—no doubt they belonged to the ones who had seen his birth and left him to grow, alone and without contact, in the dark waters. Their voices weren't completely inaudible, but he couldn't understand most of the clipped, business-like words they threw out like sharp needles piercing his skin—how he imagined needles would feel, at least.

He didn't know who they were, but he was sure he didn't like them.

What did he like?

Could a thing like anything?

Perhaps not. He could not possibly like anything if he saw nothing. He would forever count possibilities until the days of the entrapment in the water came to an end...and he did not know if that day would ever come to pass.

Perhaps his purpose was to remain blind in this cocoon. But what purpose would that be?

Did the noisy, lively world outside have any purpose? Or was it all a game to them, a game to live and die without meaning? If it was so to them, he longed to be able to trade places with a fortunate being and being to feel _dry_ and to _hear_ and _see._

He wanted to live.

But it was not a decision he could make.

Darkness and silence enshrouded him, protecting him from view.

Yuu dreamed of the day a voice would break through the surface and awaken him from his deep slumber in his small, dark world. Even if he could not live, he could at least dream of the possibility.

Like he had always done.

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	23. Rebels

**Title:** Rebels

 **Genre:** Adventure/Drama

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** In a world where love is bought and lives are sold, where does a white-haired revolutionary fit into all of this?

 **Disclaimer:** The day I own DGM is when Lavi turns to the dark side, Kanda shaves his head, Lenalee thinks rainbows aren't so rad, and Allen becomes anorexic.

 **Notes:** I'm kind of iffy about this one. The summary implies more to this small chapter (I ain't changing da summary, it's awesome!), but should Rebels be like Lists, or a separate story on its own?

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 _a glance over your shoulder_

 _perchance, a meeting with a stranger_

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 _Thwack._

Allen easily pulled out another dagger from his belt and spun the knife in his hand without glancing at it. Nearby, several of his comrades watched him in awe, wondering to themselves how he could handle weapons so gracefully without getting a single cut. Even as his arm snapped out and extended in a single fluid motion, the boy-man did not show the slightest reaction when the crowd gasped and then applauded appropriately.

To Allen, the knives strapped in various parts of his body felt as comfortable as a second layer of skin would.

The knife sank through the flimsy poster paper, embedded in the wood wall beneath. It marred the shadowed face of the Earl, his large, rotund form plastered over the paper like a death mark. The two knives pierced his stomach, and Allen imagined the trickling of blood that would fall from the wounds.

The Earl laughed at them all from the poster.

As the clapping eventually died, Allen slowly turned to face them. His eyes were set and his voice was clear. "I have gathered you all for more than a mere display of what is to come." He gestured, with a spare knife in his hand, at the shredded dartboard as the Earl's eyes watched them.

"We've waited in the shadows long enough. The small rebellious acts so far have done nothing to change this tyrant's mind—" here, Allen tapped the poster with the weapon, "—although we have warned him, time and again, that we would take action if he didn't listen to some of our demands, he has ignored us. It's time that we make well on our threat."

"Then what do you propose we do?" a man's voice called from the crowd.

Allen sheathed his knife, fastening it in a pocket. Then he turned swiftly, gracefully, to jab a finger at the poster.

"We'll kill him," he said, his voice too calm, too resolute, for a young teenager boy. "We've been preparing this for a long time. We will storm the Earl's palace, and we will end his life. It will happen, and by our own hands."

There was a breathless silence, as the crowd seemed to be drawn in to Allen's voice. Then:

"Load of bull."

Allen drew in his breath sharply, and looked at the speaker who was leaning against the doorway of the dingy bar. The people in the bar, too, seemed to gasp and whipped their heads around to stare. The speaker met Allen's gaze evenly, crossed his arms, and mouthed, _Just try and stick a knife down my throat._

"Pray tell, kind sir," Allen gritted his teeth, forcing him to make his voice light and courteous, "what would make my words, as you put it, a 'load of bull'?"

The stranger gestured freely with his right hand. "Look at your little band of rebels. Just look at them. Look at how...insignificant they are." His words were spoken coolly, with insults underlying them. He brushed back his long, dark hair and continued, smirking slightly, "Do you really think this is some play, in which the good will always vanquish the evil despite the odds against you? Surely you are not so naïve."

"I say, you do sound like you believe me to be blind," Allen was clenching his hands, his controlled expression taut on his face like a stretched rubber band. "I should think I would know better than to needlessly waste these good people's lives."

"I've seen rebels like you." The stranger's voice had gone from mocking to sorrowful, almost gentle. "You will end up becoming a mere sacrifice at the Earl's feet. You underestimate him."

"I am not!" Allen slammed a fist into the wall. The crowd murmured amongst themselves, shifting uneasily at the tension crackling between the rebel leader and the stranger.

"You are young. And reckless." The stranger's dark eyes seemed to gleam with hidden wisdom. "Your little rebel group will fall."

"And I suppose you know everything about taking down a dictator?" Allen's breathing had become heavy.

"Suppose that I do," the stranger responded.

"Would you be willing to join our cause?" Allen smiled his sweet, sweet smile. _'Of course he won't join. Chances are, he doesn't have a clue—'_

"Shockingly, I came here to throw my arms in," the stranger was smirking again. The stranger had a pale face with sharp eyes, and the smirk only made the eyes even sharper.

If Allen hadn't been busy trying to pick up his jaw from the floor, he might have thought the smirk handsome.

As it was...

 _I hate you,_ Allen mouthed angrily. He said aloud, "Is that so? It's good to have another one of us. What might be your name?"

"You can call me Kanda," the stranger said, his eyes dark and dangerous.

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	24. Postcards

**Title:** Postcards

 **Genre:** General/Friendship

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Childhood friends and their corresponding letters.

 **Disclaimer:** What?! What?! Kanda had a past life as a—Ugh. Hoshino, you just love being a tease.

 **Notes:** Er. I guess this could be set in the same universe as Playground, although it's not a sequel.

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 _the paper is blank_

 _the pencil is broken_

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…

Hey Bakanda,

Just mailing you one last postcard before the trip to China tomorrow. I almost got attacked by this scorpion that made its way inside my room this morning. Wouldn't put it past Cross to use that as a new wake-up call. India was the same as I mentioned last time—hot and sandy.

Honestly, I'm kind of glad to leave India. It's nice here, but most of Cross' debt collectors are in India. He seems to think it's easier to rip off of them.

(Well, duh. He's always leaving the cleaning up to me.)

Miss you. Tell Tiedoll I said hi.

Allen

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Bakanda,

Oops. Forgot to give you the new address. Here you go; it's attached on the back.

Allen

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Moyashi

Lavi got a stalker. He has a tan that makes your creepy cousin Rhode look like a dead fish. He also has fucking golden eyes; isn't that a sign of some disease? He's been coming over to _my_ apartment because Lavi started hiding out here. He stands outside in the frontyard, _every single fucking day,_ singing shitty Mexican music and strumming some _guitar._

Tiedoll's got this idea in his head that any guy who serenades the one he loves is a _good person_ and _romantic_ and _sensitive._

I tried getting Lenalee to come over so she can kick that guy's ass, but she says it's funny to watch.

So I've been spending a lot of time at your place. It's right next door, the stalker hasn't tried to break into it yet, and I get to snoop around in your room. Pretty fucking awesome for me. And I didn't know you had a diary.

I will be spending the rest of the weekend hunting for the key.

Kanda

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…

Kanda,

First off, it's not a diary. It's a journal. And it just happened to be locked because Cross shares your nasty habit of going through other people's possessions. Don't bother looking for the key; I disposed of it a long time ago. There's nothing worth reading in that journal anyway.

Oh, cool! You're going over to my place? You can feed that stray cat that likes hanging around. I felt bad for leaving it, so I asked Johnny from across to street to check on it now and then.

There should be a couple of cans of cat food underneath the kitchen sink.

Lavi's stalker? Wait...wait. Tanned skin, knows Mexican music, has golden eyes...

I think you just met my other cousin, Tyki. Last I heard, he was over at Europe studying British culture and getting all close to this millionaire who lives there... I forgot his name, but I remember he had some title like earl or something. Tell him that if he wants to win Lavi over, then he's going to have to do it through intellect (which means giving Lavi some of the antique books he really wants to collect; my cuz has enough connections to get his hands on those).

So far, China hasn't been too different from India. I still don't get the language, it's still pretty hot, and there are a lot more debt collectors than I thought. Cross spends every night out seducing Chinese women and eating his fill of Chinese food.

How's school? Am I missing out on much?

Don't cheat on a girl while I'm gone!

Allen

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Moron

Your cousin was a step ahead of you. He got a signed copy of some stupid book Lavi is completely in forbidden love with. Now those two are on a _date._ Lenalee tried to follow them "just to see what they were up to", but the stalker caught her less than a minute into their date.

Before you ask how I know all of this, Lenalee also tried to drag me along on her spy mission.

Alma came over to visit today.

Kanda

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Kanda,

Okay, you do not just end a letter with "Alma came over to visit today". What did he do this time?

Allen

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…

Allen

Nothing.

Kanda

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Bakanda,

You bastard. I'm coming back to Japan _pronto._

Allen

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Moyashi

You said you were coming back.

You didn't say that you were going to race over to Alma's place the moment your plane touches Japan, interrogate him on his activities, force the fact that he helped me get your ass back here because I'm lacking Moyashi, and then leave without telling me anything. I had to get this all out of Alma.

And I found the key.

Kanda

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…

Bakanda,

You're lucky that Alma was such a nice guy and apologized over and over again for tricking me. And that he tried to defend and pull a "Kanda just missed you and didn't know how to say it" over me. Otherwise, I probably would have applied for residency here at China.

If you wanted me to come home, you could have just said so. I would ditch Cross any day.

Put the key down, Kanda. Bad boy.

Allen

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…

Moyashi

As if you'd ever have the balls to ditch that womanizer. He'd find you and drag you back with him to the depths of whatever Hell he came from.

Maybe if you come back and _stay_ this time, I'll put the key down.

What's so secret about your diary anyway?

Kanda

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Kanda,

I wrote in it when I was in sixth grade and lost my first kiss to Fou.

Allen

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Moyashi!

YOU WHAT?

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	25. Lists 4

**Title:** Lists (Part Four)

 **Genre:** Romance/Drama

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** Kanda's lists lose meaning when the person he cares for starts to slip away.

 **Disclaimer:** You really think I would be sitting here, writing fanfiction, if I owned DGM?

 **Notes:** This is the second to last part of Lists. I repeat, the second to last part. And a tiny spoiler for those who haven't read chapter 191?

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 _if i had met you sooner_

 _would it matter if we fell in love later?_

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When it came down to it, Kanda couldn't really call himself a risk-taker. Sure, he put his ass on the line dozens of time during battles with Akuma, and he easily recalled a number of times when he all but dragged himself back to the Order more dead than alive. But he was too proud to call it risk-taking; it was more that he was confident of his ability to win in the end, or at least survive. Risky, perhaps, but not so much when he was certain he knew the end.

Besides, that was all during battles. Kanda was _comfortable_ when fighting. It was something he had been born to do, the sole purpose why he had to stay alive. No matter how difficult the war outside got, he knew that being an Apostle of God was written in his genetic code.

There was no other path for him to take. No other options. Nothing.

He never counted on ever forming an attraction for anyone, never mind considering _confessing_ , and to a man (boy, really). Kanda had never been one to reach out emotionally, and he was a mere grasshopper when it came to bonding with people. It wouldn't be too far off to say that Kanda would rather face down all of the Noah at once in favor of telling Allen he had strong feelings for him that actually leaned toward the positive side.

Yet, there he was, forming a new list in his mind...

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 **WAYS TO CONFESS TO MOYASHI**

1\. "I like you. Go out with me."

 _...Did I seriously just think that? And how can Exorcists date?!_

2\. "I find you incredibly attractive. Go to bed with me."

 _No. Just...no. I'm not like that._

3\. "Look, Moyashi, when a man loves another man—"

 _Love?! What love? Where did that come from? I don't love him!_

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…

…

After the strange but pleasant encounter with Allen in the hot baths, the two Exorcists had begun a tentative friendship. Kanda had been stiff with fear, thinking that perhaps Allen would brush off the incident and ignore him, but the British teenager had done the opposite. If anything, Allen made it out of his way to seek Kanda out for a good verbal argument or even just to bid, "Good morning." There was a warm shine in his eyes whenever he looked at Kanda, which stirred all sorts of interesting sensations in the Japanese's insides. They sparred together regularly now, and while they continued to bicker as before, there was a joking playfulness that accompanied their words.

It was an improvement, Kanda had to admit. Yet, not enough improvement for him to sort his tangled thoughts and emotions that ran a hundred miles per hour like a caged bird beating its wings frantically. It was a premature bird, not quite developed, not entirely clean around the lines. He didn't know what kind of bird it was either, and he wasn't sure if it really mattered in the end.

He could feel Allen's eyes on him sometimes. They seemed questioning, puzzling. They would flick towards his chest, where the tattoo thrummed under Kanda's clothing.

There was someone who understood him. Someone who was also cursed. Someone who knew that he was cursed.

Kanda was afraid.

 _Pry into my heart, and seek what darkness there may lay. Pry into my heart, and see if you can release yourself from my grasp. See if you can escape._

He was lying on his back, staring at the clouds. He tried to lift an arm, flexing the sore muscles half-heartedly before letting his arm drop back down to the dusty ground. He rolled over and saw Allen a similar state, only a bit worse off for the wear.

"You're getting more and more annoying," Kanda said flatly.

Along the way, Allen had become versed in Kanda-speak, and knew the compliment as one.

"Thanks," the younger male muttered back, biting back a groan as a rock dug into his back. "Maybe one day I'll manage to knock you out. Like what you did the other day."

"Quit dreaming, sprout," the Japanese huffed back, panting slightly.

There was a peaceful silence. Surprisingly, Allen could be quiet when he wanted to. It was nice, Kanda decided, the kind of nice that he felt whenever he meditated with Lenalee. Sometimes, words just weren't needed.

 _I like you. Go out with me._

"Shut up," he hissed at his thoughts, flushing when he remembered the list he had created that morning.

"Hm?" Allen hummed in askance.

"Walker!"

Kanda turned his head to hide the scowl forming his face as Howard Link marched up to them. The blond inspector hadn't been following Allen around for the last week or so because of certain "business", which both Kanda and Allen interpreted as doing secret work for Central. Much to Kanda's annoyance, Link had taken to planting himself firmly between Kanda and Allen whenever they interacted.

 _'So much for an opportunity to confess...'_ Kanda grumbled.

"Komui Lee is asking for you," Link said formally, stopping before Allen.

Sitting up, the parasitic Exorcist stretched to loosen a kink in his back. "Did he say what for?"

"No," the inspector said, tugging at his gloves suspiciously. "All he said that you should be—prepared. Let me escort you to his office..."

An uneasy expression half-formed on Allen's face, before he remembered that Kanda was present. Flashing a smile at the swordsman, Allen got up, flexed his arms a bit, and waved good-bye. "Sorry, Kanda—looks like we'll have to finish later." He smiled apologetically and made a small shrug.

"Un," Kanda grunted, eyeing Link warily. He laid perfectly still, waiting for Allen and Link to remain out of sight before bolting up to make a beeline for Komui's office. He ignored the Finders that stared at him, surprised to see Kanda Yuu in a rush with such an intense look splayed across his face as he dashed down the hallways, skidding slightly as someone spread his arms out in front of him.

"Lavi, get out of the way," Kanda snapped, barely registering the redhead's presence.

"Slow down, Kanda," Lavi snapped back, lowering his arms. "I haven't seen you like this ever. What happened? Is it Noah? The Earl?"

"It's Moyashi," the Japanese said impatiently.

"Allen?"

"Look, I'll explain later, but I need to get to Komui's office."

"Okay, okay," the redhead relented, rubbing his eye patch. "Just let me follow."

The door to Komui's office was locked, but Kanda pressed his ear to the door and strained to listen through the wood, waiting for a sound of Allen's voice. Lavi made a show with his hands, indicating that he could easily pick the lock and then the two of them could somehow accidentally walk in. Shaking his head, Kanda listened intently, and Lavi soon followed suit.

"—can take as long as you want, Allen."

"But...what's the point of this?"

"I'm not sure about the details myself. Supposedly Cross knows everything, and right now, we don't know where he is exactly. Most likely in Japan, we think, but you can't be too sure with that man."

"Is there any other way? And without my master?"

"I know that there isn't much time since there _is_ a war going on. However, I'm willing to come up with an excuse for Central."

"And...what about Link?"

"I'll see that he doesn't find out anything useful."

"Alright, then..."

"Remember, Allen. The most important part about this mission is to obtain information on the Earl."

"I understand."

Lavi pulled away from the door to look at Kanda. "Did you know about this?" the redhead whispered urgently. "About Allen's mission?"

Kanda shook his head, his face taut.

"Kanda," Lavi murmured, looking slightly shell-shocked. "They're sending Allen to Japan. They—it's suicide. They want him to spy on the Earl. Kanda, there's no way the Earl's not going to know Allen's in Japan with all of the Akuma there."

Kanda's fist tightened. Allen going to Japan to spy on the Earl. Alone, more likely than not. On Central's orders? No, he was sure it wasn't the case; Komui said something about making an excuse for those bastards, right? But why? There wasn't any point for Allen of all people to go near the Earl... Unless... His mind flickered back to the fight at the orphanage one of the newest Exorcists, Timothy, had been raised at. He remember how Allen's eyes had turned gold, how he grabbed that Akuma's head, whispered—

"Kanda." Lavi was whispering to him. "Kanda. Are we just going to let Allen go to Japan?"

"You're a damn future Bookman," Kanda bit out, his voice coming out harsher and louder than he intended. Judging by Lavi's widening green eye and how it darted at the door, the redhead had noticed as well. "You're supposed to let these things happen, history and all that shit."

"But..." The future Bookman stared down, reason and emotion warring on his face. "But you _love_ him."

The swordsman lost his breath. "What?"

"I see the way you look at him," Lavi was saying quickly, as if he was trying to get all the words out before Kanda came to his senses. "I see how you two spar. I—I've never seen that look on your face before. You act differently around him. You care about him."

"I don't—I don't _love_ him," Kanda wheezed slightly, trying not to panic. _Love. Love. Love—_

 _I love you...forever._

"You love him," Lavi said, and he sagged his head. "You do love him. And yet..."

"I don't love Allen!" Kanda roared out, blood pounding in his ears.

 _Don't drag out my feelings. Don't sound as if you know everything about me, when I don't know anything about myself. Don't look at me._

"You do..."

There was so much anguish in Lavi's voice that Kanda looked up. "You..."

"You love him," Lavi repeated. "But neither of us can do anything. He's...he's going to die, Kanda."

Allen. Dead. The mere image forced Kanda to inhale sharply as—something—tightened his chest, making it hard to breathe. Allen in Japan, facing the Earl, battling his inner demons, letting the Fourteenth take over him—

"I don't love him," the Japanese muttered lowly.

"You—"

"...But I...I care about him," Kanda said slowly. ' _Please, don't let his eyes turn gold ever again...'_

And then the door opened.

"Kanda?" Allen's voice came out tentatively. "You...what did you say?"

Kanda's head snapped up to meet Allen's anxious, silver gaze. Fuck. Did Allen hear everything...?

Licking his lips, Allen stepped out a bit, still partially hiding behind the door. "Kanda?"

The cold Japanese had faced down Noah before. He had been nearly killed more times than he could possibly remember. He didn't know life from before he was nine. He had to murder his best friend. And he had to let himself be used by the greedy bastards at Central.

Yet, as Allen looked at him, silver eyes tense, Kanda could do only one thing.

He ran away.

…

…

…

 **OPTIONS AS TO WHAT TO DO NOW**

(MADE WHILE RUNNING DOWN THE HALLWAY)

 _Spend the rest of my life hiding from Allen until he goes to Japan._

 _Stop Allen from going to Japan somehow and then hide from him._

 _Pretend nothing happened and figure out a way to keep Lavi's mouth shut._

 _Properly tell Allen my feelings. And then...I don't konw._

 _Emigrate to China._

…

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	26. Doorstep

**Title:** Doorstep

 **Genre:** Romance/Drama

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** A beautiful stranger was the last thing Kanda expected after learning he had AIDS.

 **Disclaimer:** I own neither DGM or RENT.

 **Notes:** Uh, yeah, a DGM/RENT crossover thingy... I copied no direct quotes from the actual musical since I haven't watched it, but I know the basic plot. Anyway, if you don't know what RENT is, don't worry; this chapter can also stand by itself.

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…

 _won't you please_

 _darken my doorstep again?_

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…

He had refused to leave his room for days.

Lenalee paused by the doorway, lingering hesitantly. Pressing a hand against the door, she leaned on it so the door cracked open by a bare six inches. "Kanda...?" she called softly into the darkness. She heard him stirring gently, but received no response. She hadn't expected one, but the silence still cut her sharply. Swallowing past a lump in her throat, she said firmly, "Kanda, I think you should really get out."

A light flickered on, and a disheveled-looking man sat up on his bed, running his fingers through his long dark hair. There were rings under his eyes which had a droopy, haunted expression in them. He lifted his head and yawned, revealing his throat, pale from his self-exile.

"You turning that camera on me?" his voice, husky and tired, asked.

Lenalee glanced down at the video camera in her other hand. "Maybe another day," she said at last. "That documentary can wait."

Kanda grunted and lifted himself up from the bed. He stumbled into the bathroom and Lenalee heard the sounds of water running. She leaned against a wall and played with the buttons on the camera. Slowly, she lifted it, and turned it to Kanda as he exited the bathroom. He waved it off with a slightly annoyed air, but for the most part, his eyes contained the deadened look of a man who was told he had a month to live.

Which might as well be true.

"You okay?" she asked, the camera still on.

It was a rhetorical question. Kanda shrugged, unwilling to say anything, and picked up an electric guitar sitting in the corner. She watched as he tuned it with a tortoiseshell pick.

Jazz music suddenly filled the air, and Lenalee fumbled with the camera as she reached for the phone in her pocket. Her face fell at the caller ID, but she held it up to her ear after a moment. Kanda made no indication that anything had disturbed his guitar-tuning, and continued to pluck at the strings almost restlessly.

At last, Lenalee snapped her phone shut.

"Who was it?" Kanda queried, his voice quiet. He put down his guitar pick and looked at Lenalee.

The Chinese girl shook her head. "Lavi."

"Ah," Kanda said, nodding his head. "The idiot."

"Oh, shut up, you bitch," Lenalee said, brightening in spite of herself. Kanda had reverted back to insulting, which was how he always was before. It was a bit like a green light, signaling her that it was okay to relax around the Japanese man and not treat him as if he might break any second.

"So what was he calling you for?" he asked, guitar in lap.

"Well, he and his boyfriend were setting up for this performance," Lenalee said carefully. "You know, the performance Tyki's going to have to protest Earl Noah's plan to fix up this lot where a lot of homeless people live in."

"Earl?" Kanda wrinkled his nose. "That rich bastard who used to room with Lavi and us?"

"Yeah. And according to Tyki, the sound system died on them. So they kind of need some help..."

"Hmm." Kanda's eyes were contemplative. "Tyki's the gold-eyed creep that the idiot left you for, right?"

"No need to remind me," she rolled her eyes. "Komui calls me every other day to 'console' me."

"Guess you should go," Kanda shrugged carelessly.

She nodded and tucked the camera under her arm. "Yeah, I guess..." She glanced at him, and he avoided her gaze. "Kanda..." She bit her lip. "You really should get out a bit more. I mean, you can't stay in your room forever."

Dark bangs shielded Kanda's face. "Bye, Lenalee."

She gave a final sigh and left his apartment.

Picking up the pick, Kanda brought it to his guitar again. And then he lifted his head to look at the ceiling.

"Alma..."

Kanda had always been gay. It never particularly bothered him, especially since he had his long-time boyfriend Alma with him. From when they were children, Alma knew how to cheer Kanda up, how to crack a smile or a laugh out of the sullen boy he had been. Alma was the one who always supported Kanda in becoming a songwriter, and had even helped him with some lyrics on the occasion. Alma had always been the first, and Kanda thought he would be the only one to breech his stoic personality.

Until Alma committed suicide, but not before telling Kanda that he was HIV-positive, and that meant Kanda probably was too.

Gritting his teeth, Kanda shoved the guitar away from him to glare at it. He trusted Alma. Alma had been his best friend and his lover. And Alma just left him without another thought. Didn't bother leaving any words of comfort. Alma apparently didn't think life was worth living if AIDS would continually haunt him every single day, but he didn't think of how Kanda might feel.

He left Kanda all on his own to deal with the repercussions.

Never again would Kanda subject himself to such betrayal. He never wanted someone so close to him to leave such a deep scar on his heart again. He wouldn't have the chance to find a new boyfriend anyway; AIDS was eating at his life and he didn't know when he might be overwhelmed by it.

But while he was alive, Kanda knew he wanted to write one last song to leave his mark on the world. One song to make sure Kanda Yuu wasn't completely forgotten.

And Alma could just—stuff it like the dead, useless person he was.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. Kanda lowered the guitar. It couldn't be Lenalee—she had just left, and she had the key to his apartment anyway. He got up to go open the door, and found himself face-to-face with the most exotic-looking person he had ever met in a long time.

Silver eyes blinked bemusedly as Kanda openly gaped. "Um..." the stranger said cautiously. "Hello?"

Kanda cleared his throat, and averted his gaze from snow-white hair, pale skin, and pretty silver eyes. The stranger was slender like a teenager, wearing a wool sweater, leather (leather!) pants, and knee-high boots. His short white hair gleamed in the dim light, and silver eyes matched near-perfectly with a pert nose and full red lips.

"Hello?" the stranger repeated tentatively. Kanda heard the overtones of an European accent, British more likely than not.

 _'Oh, god,'_ Kanda thought in despair.

"What?" he asked brusquely, trying to hide his attraction to the white-haired guy.

The stranger grinned awkwardly. "Um, well, do you have any matches? There's this power failure down at my apartment, and I have candles and everything, but I realized that I didn't have anything to light the candles, you know?"

"Oh," Kanda said stupidly. "Wait a sec."

He all but lunged back into his apartment and found a stray pack of matches lying on a bookshelf. Snatching it up, he hurried back to the door where the stranger was waiting patiently, hands inside his pants pockets.

"Take as many as you want," Kanda mumbled gruffly.

"Thanks," the stranger said, beaming. As he pocketed the matches, he held out his other hand. "I don't think we've really met before. I'm Allen Walker, from downstairs."

"Kanda," the Japanese responded, taking hold of the other's hand. He shivered at the skin-to-skin contact and tried to pay more attention to what Allen was saying instead of the softness of the skin of his hand, and how smooth and wonderful it felt. Something flickered in Allen's bright eyes, and the Brit seemed to inch closer until they were close enough that Kanda could count every eyelash... Their joined hands tightened together.

This had to be flirting. This just had to be. And while Kanda was enjoying the feel of Allen's skin, he had a feeling that Allen was still saying something.

"Kanda? Did you hear what I just said?"

"What?"

"You can let go of my hand."

The man in question promptly released Allen's hand as if it was on fire.

Allen just smiled as if nothing happened. "Well, it's nice meeting you, Kanda. See you around." He looked at Kanda one last time, and again silver eyes twinkled mischievously.

It was extremely difficult for Kanda to not stare at Allen's rear as he descended down the stairs, so he gave up trying and openly leered for a minute.

Then his head snapped up as he realized what had happened.

He was attracted to Allen.

"Oh, crap."

…

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	27. Conversation 3

**Title:** Conversation (Part Three)

 **Genre:** General/Humor

 **Rating:** K+

 **Summary:** "I'm not gay. Really."

 **Disclaimer:** Yeah, and maybe I'm also Kishimoto in disguise (he's totally raping his series now, it's that bad).

 **Notes:** [LONG SILENCE]

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 _we love each other_

 _through our words alone_

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…

"...Lenalee?"

"What the fuck."

"You're not Lenalee..."

"No shit. And who are you supposed to be?"

"Oh god, oh god. You're a _guy._ With long hair. This is not happening."

" _Answer me._ "

"Okay, okay! Sheesh, don't get all grumpy-testosterone-bully on me. I was supposed to meet Lenalee here today."

"Not. My. Question."

"Stop glaring at me, freak. I'm Allen Walker."

"...Fuck. _You're_ Allen Walker?"

"Got a problem with that?"

"Did Lenalee tell you to meet her here because she set up a date for you?"

"Um. No. She said that she would go watch this movie with me. As friends."

"...She took you for a ride."

"I noticed, moron."

"Shut up. What's up with the weird hair anyway?"

"It's just my hair."

"You look like an old man."

"Jackarse. Anyway, how did Lenalee get you to come here? Er, what's your name?"

"Kanda."

"And..."

"..."

"Kanda, did Lenalee promise you a date? And somehow, she also told you my name and—Wait. She tried to set you up with me?"

"Duh."

"You're...gay."

"Took you long enough to notice."

"Why me?"

"Trust me, I didn't ask for an old man. I'm not that kinky."

"Not dyed. I swear. And it's Allen, okay?"

"Lenalee wouldn't set me up with a _straight_ man anyway. She knows I'll kill her boyfriend if that happens."

"I think you just implied that I'm bent."

"Tch. What else would I imply? That your hair isn't dyed?"

"I'm not gay. Really."

"Liar. Lenalee has some sort of gay-dar or something. She could tell that her idiot boyfriend was bi."

"Lavi's bisexual?"

"Yeah, his ex was a complete nutcase. Looked Hawaiian, curly hair, and bat-shit crazy."

"I am never going to look at Lavi the same way again. Ever."

"Hn."

"...So."

"So what?"

"I have two prepaid movie tickets. Might as well watch it."

"With a _gay_ guy? I thought you were straight, Walker."

"Don't worry, you're not my type."

"I thought you said you weren't gay!"

"Hence my point."

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	28. Magical

**Title:** Magical

 **Genre:** Fantasy/Friendship

 **Rating:** K+

 **Summary:** Allen couldn't help that he was a bored faerie...or that Kanda was an intriguing elf.

 **Disclaimer:** Give a couple decades or so, I'll illegally obtain the rights to DGM...

 **Notes:** I don't like writing fantasy. But I'm making an exception this time.

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 _touch magic_

 _and pass it on_

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Allen was insanely bored. Faeries were notorious for their short attention spans, but his was especially so. Recently, he had become even more agitated to the point that his wings were unconsciously leaking faerie vibes. Tyki, one of his closer friends, had been one of the unfortunate victims. He had to flee into the elves' territory to lose Tyki.

Although it was difficult to tell with Tyki. He was unusually promiscuous to begin with.

And now he was lost in the land of the elves. He had been excited for about five seconds since he had never once breached their land, but when no elf appeared right away, he lost interest. He had never seen an elf before, and he had hoped today would be the big day when he saw a creature other than a faerie or one of those forest spirits that seemed to like him so much. They said it was something about his eyes, or what not...

Flickering his silver-blue wings irritatedly, Allen spun around mid-air, trying to remember where he had come from.

"Lost, little boy?"

Without turning his head, Allen lashed out, "Shut your trap, Lavi."

The tree spirit looked smug as he perched on the lower branch of a nearby pine. "Now, now. Don't get all faerie on me. And believe me, everyone's been talking about how you just can't sit still anymore." Tossing back his brilliant mahogany hair, Lavi grinned cheekily.

"Unless you actually have something interesting to say," Allen sniffed, "then don't bother."

"Who do you think you are, the Faerie Queen?" Lavi huffed. "And I was going to tell you about this new kid I met."

Allen's curiosity was reluctantly piqued. "Kid?" he queried, trying to look apathetic. "There's a human around?"

"Nah," the tree spirit shook his head. "Not even humans are that stupid. I'm talking about this elf."

"Oh." Allen's silver eyes dulled again. "Then it's not new."

"Is too!" the spirit insisted childishly.

Rolling his eyes, the little faerie flitted through the trees before circling back. "Lavi, you know as well as I do that the elves can have children once every one hundred years. And the last time was only a couple decades ago. There can't be any new elvish children."

"Who said it was a child?" Lavi said.

"You said it was a kid," Allen pointed out.

"Oh. Well, I meant that it was an elf I hadn't met before."

Now Allen's eyes widened. "How can that be? I mean, you're younger than most of the other tree spirits, but I thought that you knew everyone." His wings fluttered with anticipation, leaking vibes again.

Coughing slightly, Lavi grumbled, "Tone down the faerie dust, Allen. You know I'm allergic to it."

"What a moss head," Allen teased. "Who's ever heard of a tree spirit having allergies?"

"Oi! What are you doing on elvish land?"

The faerie and the spirit whipped their heads around to stare at a shimmering figure that scowled at them. It was obviously an elf, the tapered ears out and displayed. Allen took in the long dark hair, the fierce eyes that could send even the most monstrous of magical creatures running for their lives, and the pale skin partially hidden by russet clothing.

Allen's silver eyes sparkled.

"He's the one, huh?" Allen said, keeping his eyes on the elf.

"Yup," Lavi nodded.

"Answer me!" the elf in question snapped.

"You're being touchy today, Yuu," Lavi called from his safe spot on the tree.

Yuu's eyes narrowed and he took a menacing step forward. "You're that tree spirit that wouldn't stop chasing the elvish girls," he snarled out, baring his teeth in a feral manner. "I thought I taught you a pretty damn good lesson last time, you stupid pervert."

Allen promptly forgot his amusement and turned to glare at Lavi. "Oh, really? It wasn't enough that you had to flirt with all of the faerie girls too?"

"Eheh..." Lavi's gaze darted. "You know, I think—I should go!" The tree spirit vanished into the wood.

Yuu looked annoyed at Lavi's disappearance, but his focus shifted to the silver faerie. "You're a faerie."

"Bravo," Allen drolled wryly. "It doesn't take a sage to figure that out, elf."

"It's _Kanda_ ," the elf hissed.

Blinking, the faerie landed on a flower and folded his silver wings. "I thought your name was Yuu? At least, that's what Lavi called you."

Kanda showed his teeth again, and the faerie backed down. "The Elvish Laws forbid murder, least of all the murder of spirits of nature. If it weren't for that, that tree spirit would have been long dead."

"A bloodthirsty elf," Allen blinked. "I thought that you guys were all about peace and love?"

"Those are faeries," Kanda said flippantly.

"Liar," Allen snorted. That is. "We're not delicate and innocent like those foolish humans think we are. We're perfectly capable of mischief."

"So what makes you think elves are any better?"

The elf and the faerie stared at one another.

"You're a weird faerie," Kanda declared.

"You're a weird elf," Allen shot back.

Lavi watched from a nearby tree and sighed. He could tell that it was the start of a beautiful friendship.

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	29. Attraction

**Title:** Attraction

 **Genre:** Humor

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** It had to be Allen's hair; why else would the brat be so popular?

 **Disclaimer:** Santa failed me last Christmas, so I've given up all hope.

 **Notes:** Hey, I'm actually trying to write something drabble-length. You know, shorter.

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 _it's ridiculously easy to see why they like you_

 _it's ridiculously hard to hate you_

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There is something about Allen that draws people to him. Or maybe it is the people that are drawn to him. Same thing, really. That moron could make friends with almost every single person that crossed his path (with a few exceptions including the oh-so-unlovable and philandering biology teacher with long red hair who always spent the first semester scaring the crap out of his classes and the second teaching a very detailed sex ed lesson).

The point was, Allen attracted people like moths to the light. And unfortunately, he was too fucking _sweet_ and _nice_ to burn anyone who got too close for comfort. Damn oblivious brat.

It had to be the hair, Kanda concluded. That goddamn white hair could catch anyone's eye.

"That's just dumb," Lenalee snorted by his side, causing the Japanese to realize he had been thinking aloud.

"What?" he growled.

"Your hair's almost as bad as his," the female student pointed out.

Kanda frowned. What was bad about his hair? Sure, it was a bit on the long side (after an incident involving his cousin Chaoji and a pair of scissors, Kanda had resolved to never cut his hair again), and it was tied up in a long ponytail ("Like a girl's," Lavi would snicker before getting his face punched in).

"Hn," he grumbled, unable to retaliate. Okay, so his hair was a bit on the feminine side. Whatever.

A freshman girl approached Allen as he laughed at a joke Lavi had told him. The telltale flush on her face and the pink letter clutched in her trembling hands made it quite clear what her feelings were. She mouthed a few inaudible words as Allen turned towards her, acting bemused but polite. The freshman shoved the letter into Allen's hands before running off, her face redder than ever.

"What a girl magnet," Lenalee said, grinning as Allen blinked obliviously.

Kanda harrumphed.

"Brat still has weird hair."

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	30. Lists 5

**Title:** Lists (Part Five)

 **Genre:** Romance/Drama

 **Rating:** T

 **Summary:** "I'm sorry. I can't promise that."

 **Disclaimer:** Hoshino drives a tough bargain. I had to sign my name in blood on the contract.

 **Notes:** Yeah, yeah, just keep on reading.

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 _don't look at me with those eyes_

 _eyes of pity, regret, but hopeful nonetheless_

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 **WHY I'M CURRENTLY HIDING IN THE COURTYARD**

 _Bean sprouts._

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Emigrating to China hadn't been one of the optional choices. It was more of a necessity, considering how the courtyard wasn't the best place to hide in (read: lots of open space where he was like a pigeon open to hunters). In fact, he wasn't really hiding at all, which anyone who happened to be passing by the courtyard could see.

Instead, he was pacing. He always paced whenever he felt agitated, excited, or both. And the courtyard was a good pacing place as opposed to a hiding spot.

Two quick steps.

Kanda fisted his hands which hung uselessly by his sides. Allen knew about his feelings—or at least, knew that Kanda cared about him. Kanda almost wished that he had stuck around long enough to garner more information on Allen's reaction, but Lavi had also been there. The redhead was probably trying to do damage control at the moment, no doubt calming a shocked Moyashi.

Four normal steps.

But Allen was going away to Japan on a suicide mission.

Three aimless circles.

Why?

One long stride.

"As if I could understand how a sprout's mind works," he muttered to himself angrily. He kicked at a rock and watched it bounce off a step and split into two pieces. He sighed and sat down on a step to rest his head in his hands.

What was he going to do?

More importantly, what was Allen going to do?

Kanda tried to imagine the various reactions Allen might have. The best outcome would be Allen returning his feelings—but he would still have to go to Japan. Kanda knew how stubborn the Brit could be. He wouldn't do something so ridiculously suicidal if he could be easily dissuaded. Besides, Exorcists weren't even supposed to love anything. Love wasn't meant to mix with them. Allen knew that as well as anyone, and Central was especially keen to press home that Exorcists were only instruments of war.

There was no way Allen would stay in Japan for him.

Then there was the worse possible outcome; Allen feeling nothing but disgust, Allen wanting nothing to do with him anymore.

The swordsman tugged at his hair in despair as the image of scornful silver eyes flashed through his mind. He didn't want that. It would hurt his heart like a motherfucker and probably scar him for life. Heck, he would probably become one of those toothless old men who sat on the corners of streets, croaking ominous warnings and—

Goddammit, love.

Kanda 0, Love 9783516298479.

He didn't want to know if Allen could love him. But at the same time, he wanted a definite answer. A yes or a no. _Could you love me? Or is it too impossible for even a big-hearted sprout like you?_

It would hurt less to hear about Allen's death if there was no possibility what so ever.

But it would still hurt.

It would hurt even more if Allen really did like him.

Either way, painpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpain—

"You're pulling your hair out."

It took Kanda a second to realize that he was, indeed, starting to tug a few strands of midnight hair out of his bangs. It took him another second to notice Allen lowering himself to sit on the steps right next to him.

Holy shit.

"You didn't need to jump at the sight of me," Allen said, smiling uneasily as Kanda's eyes widened and his mouth fell open to gabble nonsense. His smile fell when Kanda remained tense and wary.

"What do you want?" Kanda mumbled, turning his face away. He felt his cheeks heat up with shame and fear.

"Well, right now, I just want to talk," came the simple reply.

"About what?" the Japanese asked evasively.

A pause. "Lavi tried to give me a summary, but I didn't really get everything. He went on about baths and sparring and glances across the cafeteria, but he never said anything explicit." Allen wavered for a moment, then continued, "He said that you love me."

"I don't."

Even Allen looked startled at the speed of Kanda's counter. Kanda decided then to jump in front of the firing line. Allen knew anyway (most likely), so what was the harm in laying it all in front of him?

"I don't lo— _think_ of you that way yet," Kanda was saying quickly, even backpedaling halfway to force "love" back down his throat. "But I—that's—if we weren't Exorcists—I could..."

He stopped, swallowed thickly, and said, "I _could._ "

 _I could love you. And I'm afraid._

Allen didn't say anything at first. Kanda looked down at his knees before letting his eyes slide to the side, trying to gauge the Brit's reaction. Of course, there was no sign on Allen's face that he felt the same way; no blush, no embarrassed smiles, nothing. But there weren't visible hints of a negative reaction either. Allen just looked—thoughtful.

"Do you know why I agreed to go to Japan?" Allen said abruptly.

"...No."

"Well, I can't say that I know exactly what I'm doing," Allen laughed lightly, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's just that... Do you know about the Fourteenth?"

"The Fourteenth?" Kanda felt, and probably looked, thoroughly confused.

"It's kind of complicated," the albino said, his voice trailing off. "But the Fourteenth needs to confront the Earl."

"The Fourteenth is an Exorcist?"

"Like I said," the parasitic Exorcist said, smiling, "it's complicated."

They sat in silence. Kanda wanted to ask who the Fourteenth was. He thought that he had heard the name Fourteenth associated with a rumor or two about a Noah who had opposed the Earl. And he was fairly certain that it was because of the rogue Noah that Allen was under such constant surveillance. Speaking of surveillance, where was Link? And also, how was Allen going to go to Japan without being followed by someone from Central?

So many questions. And yet...

"When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow."

...so little time.

"You're coming back alive, right?" Kanda asked, pushing his own feelings aside for the moment. It was Allen's choice to respond or ignore them, after all.

Silver eyes darted. "I don't know."

Scoffing, Kanda tried to project as much anger as possible into his voice to hide the pain that pulsed through his chest. "Idiot. You're supposed to say that you won't go down that easily. Or some optimistic crap like that."

"I'm sorry. I can't promise that."

It was only the pleading tone in Allen's words that stopped Kanda from knocking out the albino and locking him away to keep him _here_ , in the Black Order, _safe and sound._

"Hey, Kanda...do you really like me?"

Kanda felt his cheeks heat up slightly, and he nodded, letting his bangs cover his face.

"Good," Allen said, sounding pleased. "I like you too."

A choke was all Allen could hear from the swordsman next to him. "L-l-l-what?" Kanda spluttered.

"I can't say that I _love_ you," Allen went on, seemingly oblivious to how Kanda was gaping at him like a dead fish. "But I think I could." He was smiling again, and Kanda couldn't do anything else but stare. "That's okay, right?"

Head nod.

"Alright then." Allen got off the steps, tucking his hands into his pockets. Looking back at Kanda, he called, "I don't know when I'll be back. But wait for me?"

" _I thought you said you couldn't promise that!"_

"Because I'm not promising that," Allen grinned. "I'm definitely coming back alive." He gazed at Kanda a few moments longer, silver eyes lingering on the Japanese's reddened features and the way those dark eyes were unable to hold his gaze.

"Wait for me," Allen repeated softly.

"...Yeah."

…

…

…

 **WHY I SHOULD WAIT FOR MOYASHI**

 _I said I would._

 _Really._

 _But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around doing nothing._

 _Like hell I'm going to let him become stronger than me._

 _I wonder if he's thinking of me right now?_

 _No! Moron! Don't think about it! Train!_

 _Hey...Moyashi. It's okay if it's like this, right?_

 _You better wait for me too._

…

…

…

…

…

…


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